Today, Just Live

With whom do you converse more than anyone else in your life? On a regular basis. For most married people, it would be one's spouse. Then maybe the kids. Same here.

Wait, I'll bet some people talk to coworkers more than anyone, since 8 hours a day is more than evenings at home. Whatever. I work at home (writing, cooking, not cleaning, corresponding, etc.) but I do talk with Steve via phone nearly every day. For a long time.

But I find myself talking with someone else on and off all day lately. God. Okay, so that sounds geeky if you're not a Believer, but oh well. I'm a geek and it's what I do, so please refrain from laughing. Sometimes I think I should be more respectful, less casual, and stop "dropping in on Him" so often. Then I think He wants to be in my life, so what's wrong with an ongoing conversation all day long? Yes, there are days when I sit down, read my Bible and truly worship Him, but frankly, most of the time it's simply talking, asking, admitting, questioning, even begging.

I suppose it's all related to this cancer journey which is so up and down and bizarre. I never know if I'm getting well, or dying or just odd. I decided today that I'd rather not know how I'm doing; it's too exhausting to deal with how to react, how to look forward, how to handle my emotions and those of my family. Gak! I'm pooped and I just woke up.

I remember when I first got sick, and learned to "live in today." Sadly, I've lost that ability. I want it back. Yes, do my chores and handle responsibilities, but don't dwell on tomorrow or wait for today to end. Just live in it. Today is all I've got that's certain.

I hate, hate, hate that I got cancer. I'm also thankful for it, since I've been forced to learn things I'd never have learned without it. It's a puzzle. Odd as it seems, the scale is tipping toward... glad I got it. It's scary to think where I'd be if it had not stopped me in my tracks ten years ago. There is absolutely nothing in my life today that came as a result of cancer that I'd be willing to let go if given the chance to trade it for 'no cancer.'

It is what it is. Do you have some horrid thing in your life that has miraculously made your life better? Think hard, remember. Even the excruciating pain of childbirth leads to having someone who fills your life with love. So the pain is worth it, no?

I find it harder as days go by to waste time, to wish "it" would hurry up, whatever "it" is. I'm trying to recapture being able to live in today. Tomorrow comes without my having to do anything. Like I said, today is all I've got that's certain, and I'm not about to waste it.

Thanks for listening. I feel better already.