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Some of you already know how this past year has treated me like a football. You know, kicking me around, throwing me curves, even carrying me when there was no other way. Now it's kicked me into the end zone.
I've had ovarian cancer for ten years, which in itself is amazing. Yes, there have been bad times, but not as many as you'd think. Wait, probably more than you think, but not as many as I could have had. Dr. Boice has been great, and though he remains totally professional, I've begun to feel a bit of friendship there. He's my doctor, and I have a terminal illness - he can't risk caring too much.
Everything must come to an end, and so must this. There is no chemo left that I've not yet taken. The cancer has grown unabated nonetheless for over six months. Two months ago we were gently and lovingly told that it's unlikely I'll live another year. And I've been fine with that. Enough is enough. Steve, Morgan and Sam were not so placid.
But wait, my doctors, who obviously rarely wear shoes and socks, have had their socks blown off yet one more time. A few days ago we were told that yet again, my body is reversing it's pattern and going into a possible remission. CA125 is dropping rapidly. That's a very good thing, yet it makes little sense right now. My two oncologists don't understand it but are pleased. We are stunned.
Nothing is certain. I will not live to be an old woman. (Shut up, I am not already old!) Or maybe I'll live longer than you. Who knows? What won't change is that I'll continue to wake up and live my days as if there are no tomorrows. I have no other option. I'm on a chemo alternative and will remain on it for some time. We'll see how it goes. For now, I'm regaining strength, working in my garden for the first time in ages, and painting some old furniture.
Imagine what you would do today if it was your last day on earth. Can you do that? Good. Now you know what today is like for me. Have a good day. I plan to.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Saturday, July 24, 2010
It Takes Two
Okaaay. According to some blog and email responses to my last posting, perhaps I should be clearer. I'm not saying you shouldn't go to church. What I'm saying is that going to a church will never save you. The danger is that today so many "Christian" churches aren't Christian at all. They're social clubs where a few Believers attend, yet many attendees simply go out of habit or to feel good about themselves.
I've known many people who go to church for years, but are not saved. My own father was one. He went because Mom wanted him to. It's what decent men did in Ohio in the 50's/60's. Then around age 65, he heard the gospel in a way that touched his heart and mind for the very first time, and his life radically changed as he gave up his disbelief. Going to church didn't save him; it just led him in the right direction. God saved him. And his 3 believing kids and 1 wife were thrilled!
(Dad used to introduce Mom as his "first wife." It startled others, made her want to kick him, and made us laugh. She was his "first wife" until they both passed away in their mid-80's.)
I've also known people who go to church while having affairs, cheating on taxes, believing in horoscopes and other non-Christian things. But it doesn't mean they can't learn in the midst of their sin who Christ is. In fact, I can't name one non-sinning Christian I know. We're all jerks half the time, saved or not. Thank God for His grace. Going to a church doesn't save anyone; believing Christ does.
I've also known people who never attend a church for one reason or another, yet they are saved. Yes, I would like to see them be aligned with a body of other believers, but for whatever reason, they're not. But they are aligned with Christ. As I've already said, it's between the person and Christ, no one else. Not a mom, a dad, a friend, a pastor, a spouse... no one.
I miss and still respect our former pastor; he's a good man. But I don't miss the church only because God changed where He wants us to be for now. So where are you? Are you where you should be? It only takes two...God and you.
I've known many people who go to church for years, but are not saved. My own father was one. He went because Mom wanted him to. It's what decent men did in Ohio in the 50's/60's. Then around age 65, he heard the gospel in a way that touched his heart and mind for the very first time, and his life radically changed as he gave up his disbelief. Going to church didn't save him; it just led him in the right direction. God saved him. And his 3 believing kids and 1 wife were thrilled!
(Dad used to introduce Mom as his "first wife." It startled others, made her want to kick him, and made us laugh. She was his "first wife" until they both passed away in their mid-80's.)
I've also known people who go to church while having affairs, cheating on taxes, believing in horoscopes and other non-Christian things. But it doesn't mean they can't learn in the midst of their sin who Christ is. In fact, I can't name one non-sinning Christian I know. We're all jerks half the time, saved or not. Thank God for His grace. Going to a church doesn't save anyone; believing Christ does.
I've also known people who never attend a church for one reason or another, yet they are saved. Yes, I would like to see them be aligned with a body of other believers, but for whatever reason, they're not. But they are aligned with Christ. As I've already said, it's between the person and Christ, no one else. Not a mom, a dad, a friend, a pastor, a spouse... no one.
I miss and still respect our former pastor; he's a good man. But I don't miss the church only because God changed where He wants us to be for now. So where are you? Are you where you should be? It only takes two...God and you.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Where's the Truth?
People shouldn't go to church.
Do I now have the attention of all you Believers, undecideds and atheists? After all, I'm a Christian, so why would I say that? Well, I say it because it's true. Church is a place to learn about Christ and to worship Him. Unfortunately, many (way too many) churches don't offer that opportunity anymore. Many people now go merely to feel good about themselves and see their friends.
Ten years ago I wouldn't have said that, but today I have no problem doing so while adamantly wishing it weren't true. After all, we recently left a church we'd attended and loved for many years. From the very beginning Steve and I were identified as Believers and leaders and we acted accordingly.
But some leaders, or more accurately volunteers, (wait, let's be honest - those who couldn't say "No" to a request for help) get caught up and changed by "being in charge" and do things more for their own glory than for God's. It was ugly to see. We wanted no part of it, giving up more and more duties as we watched the "I'm so holy" war unfold, until we barely went to Sunday morning services anymore. And for reasons to be explained another day, they didn't like me.
We left that church but we stayed with God. We roamed for some time, then found another pastor who speaks the truth. Sometimes we go listen to him speak, and sometimes we stay home to listen to Tim Keller. It's been a paradigm shift for us. Going to church doesn't save anybody. Knowing and trusting God does. We're learning as much now as ever, maybe more, and that learning matters. It completes us. Ignoring or denying Him hurts us, like it or not. True faith is between God and us, no one else.
Most people interpret God's word in human terms. We're human, but God's word is definitely NOT human, it's just sometimes for and about humans. So, go to church if you want, but if you want to know God, go to the source. Trust me: God wants you to feel good about yourself, and He's the only One who will take you there.
Do I now have the attention of all you Believers, undecideds and atheists? After all, I'm a Christian, so why would I say that? Well, I say it because it's true. Church is a place to learn about Christ and to worship Him. Unfortunately, many (way too many) churches don't offer that opportunity anymore. Many people now go merely to feel good about themselves and see their friends.
Ten years ago I wouldn't have said that, but today I have no problem doing so while adamantly wishing it weren't true. After all, we recently left a church we'd attended and loved for many years. From the very beginning Steve and I were identified as Believers and leaders and we acted accordingly.
But some leaders, or more accurately volunteers, (wait, let's be honest - those who couldn't say "No" to a request for help) get caught up and changed by "being in charge" and do things more for their own glory than for God's. It was ugly to see. We wanted no part of it, giving up more and more duties as we watched the "I'm so holy" war unfold, until we barely went to Sunday morning services anymore. And for reasons to be explained another day, they didn't like me.
We left that church but we stayed with God. We roamed for some time, then found another pastor who speaks the truth. Sometimes we go listen to him speak, and sometimes we stay home to listen to Tim Keller. It's been a paradigm shift for us. Going to church doesn't save anybody. Knowing and trusting God does. We're learning as much now as ever, maybe more, and that learning matters. It completes us. Ignoring or denying Him hurts us, like it or not. True faith is between God and us, no one else.
Most people interpret God's word in human terms. We're human, but God's word is definitely NOT human, it's just sometimes for and about humans. So, go to church if you want, but if you want to know God, go to the source. Trust me: God wants you to feel good about yourself, and He's the only One who will take you there.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Miles Don't Matter
Our daughter moved away in late 1999, but it feels like she did it yesterday. Well actually, she did move out yesterday. That's when she packed up her bags, got into her car, waved to us and drove away.
Morgan came home in early June for a one week visit. She learned I'm having health issues and decided to stay longer. She also found out that several relatives whom she rarely sees would soon be visiting, so she had even more reason to stay. Armed with her computer, cell phone and books, she stayed. We got to see her beautiful face for four entire weeks.
I can't say we did much during her visit that is memorable. It was just being together that meant the most. I'd peek into her old room before she awoke, then sit down and caress her... my grown woman/child who still loves the touch of my fingers on her back and legs. Seeing her sit in our family room as she'd read, laugh or watch TV... watching her work her delicious magic on a crumb covered counter as she transformed it into a gourmet kitchen... listening to her entertain guests with her wit, humor and stories of her life. I loved each moment.
The other relatives eventually left. The house grew emptier. Then Morgan filled her car and drove away. Sam went to his room. Steve and I sat in the family room, resting. It was so quiet. Sobs rose to the surface, but never came out. The phone rang at 9:30pm. She and Lady Bird had driven 8 hours and were an hour from home, calling before our bedtime to tell us they were fine. We said to call when they arrived; we'd wait. The phone rang again an hour later and our little girl was safe in her own home. Our weary 29 year old doctoral candidate whose wit and humor never fail to entertain, our gentle child who adores and cares for the brother who never lets his parents touch him but will always hold his sister's hand and let her hug him... that's the woman whom I love.
My days with her grow fewer, but she is with me always. She is never far from my mind, and I think she knows that. She is so much more than I ever dreamed I'd see in a child of mine. The only time we really talked was the day we ran errands and ate lunch in Annapolis. It was nice, quiet, fun. We didn't say much, but when you're with someone you've known her entire life, words mean less than just being together. Morgan is with me always, even when she is over 400 miles away.
Morgan came home in early June for a one week visit. She learned I'm having health issues and decided to stay longer. She also found out that several relatives whom she rarely sees would soon be visiting, so she had even more reason to stay. Armed with her computer, cell phone and books, she stayed. We got to see her beautiful face for four entire weeks.
I can't say we did much during her visit that is memorable. It was just being together that meant the most. I'd peek into her old room before she awoke, then sit down and caress her... my grown woman/child who still loves the touch of my fingers on her back and legs. Seeing her sit in our family room as she'd read, laugh or watch TV... watching her work her delicious magic on a crumb covered counter as she transformed it into a gourmet kitchen... listening to her entertain guests with her wit, humor and stories of her life. I loved each moment.
The other relatives eventually left. The house grew emptier. Then Morgan filled her car and drove away. Sam went to his room. Steve and I sat in the family room, resting. It was so quiet. Sobs rose to the surface, but never came out. The phone rang at 9:30pm. She and Lady Bird had driven 8 hours and were an hour from home, calling before our bedtime to tell us they were fine. We said to call when they arrived; we'd wait. The phone rang again an hour later and our little girl was safe in her own home. Our weary 29 year old doctoral candidate whose wit and humor never fail to entertain, our gentle child who adores and cares for the brother who never lets his parents touch him but will always hold his sister's hand and let her hug him... that's the woman whom I love.
My days with her grow fewer, but she is with me always. She is never far from my mind, and I think she knows that. She is so much more than I ever dreamed I'd see in a child of mine. The only time we really talked was the day we ran errands and ate lunch in Annapolis. It was nice, quiet, fun. We didn't say much, but when you're with someone you've known her entire life, words mean less than just being together. Morgan is with me always, even when she is over 400 miles away.
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Let Freedom Ring
The Fourth of July! Let Freedom ring!
Wait, I'm free? I can't move out of MD since our insurance is only good in this state. And I can't change insurance companies, since...right...who would take me now? And I'm not free to make plans for my seventies since, well, I probably won't have any seventies. And I'm not free to travel since I have to be at hospital every 21 days exchanging blood for drugs, and see doctors more often than that. And I'm not free to take our beloved long walks since, well, I can't walk that far right now due to weakness and exhaustion.
So am I free? Well, to be honest, yes I am. I'm free to sleep luxuriously late any time I so desire. Like everyday. But I get up most days by 6:30 anyway, because I want to. I'm free to read voraciously and am currently reading three books, according to a mood for history, drama or humor. I'm free to not cook dinner on my weariest days since Steve is always ready and able to do it himself.
I'm free to write and write and write since even if I'm weary, I can sit comfortably at the computer creating, and my days have few tedious chores that call out my name. And, with one book due out soon, and a second nearing completion, it's a pleasant way to live my days while doing something others can enjoy.
I'm free to wander in my lovely garden, pulling weeds if I feel up to it, laying down mulch if Sam helps me, or just sitting on my garden bench, enjoying the quiet beauty. For Pete's sake (and I've learned since my last inquiry @ "Pete" that it refers to St. Peter, amazingly), I have a marvelous life right now. So... yea, I'm free.
Oh, and it looks like we're going to Hawaii in the fall. Between infusions... you know, less than 21 days. If that's not freedom, then I don't know what is.
Wait, I'm free? I can't move out of MD since our insurance is only good in this state. And I can't change insurance companies, since...right...who would take me now? And I'm not free to make plans for my seventies since, well, I probably won't have any seventies. And I'm not free to travel since I have to be at hospital every 21 days exchanging blood for drugs, and see doctors more often than that. And I'm not free to take our beloved long walks since, well, I can't walk that far right now due to weakness and exhaustion.
So am I free? Well, to be honest, yes I am. I'm free to sleep luxuriously late any time I so desire. Like everyday. But I get up most days by 6:30 anyway, because I want to. I'm free to read voraciously and am currently reading three books, according to a mood for history, drama or humor. I'm free to not cook dinner on my weariest days since Steve is always ready and able to do it himself.
I'm free to write and write and write since even if I'm weary, I can sit comfortably at the computer creating, and my days have few tedious chores that call out my name. And, with one book due out soon, and a second nearing completion, it's a pleasant way to live my days while doing something others can enjoy.
I'm free to wander in my lovely garden, pulling weeds if I feel up to it, laying down mulch if Sam helps me, or just sitting on my garden bench, enjoying the quiet beauty. For Pete's sake (and I've learned since my last inquiry @ "Pete" that it refers to St. Peter, amazingly), I have a marvelous life right now. So... yea, I'm free.
Oh, and it looks like we're going to Hawaii in the fall. Between infusions... you know, less than 21 days. If that's not freedom, then I don't know what is.
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