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...wait, I lost my post. What happened? Oh yeah, I'm clearly not a professional blogger.
Anyway, the snow is over 4", and still falling. We were told to expect 2". Accurate weather predictions are more "accurately" called "guesses. "
Answer to posted question from yesterday: "I can't imagine feeling happy about not being able to complete my to-do list! Have you always felt that way, or did you learn it through life?"
Well, to be honest, I admit to not exactly being a "finisher" of things; seems there's always something left undone. If I finished all I'd planned for the day, what would I do then? Be bored? True, I'm smart enough to figure out more for myself, but it's the joy of always having something to look forward to, I suppose. And I feel vital when I still have work to do.
Then again, perhaps you prefer to have empty time to luxuriate in, to relax, meditate, laugh with your kids. No matter how we see it, we can both enjoy life without pressure.
Now that I think of it, that viewpoint came when I had the initial cancer. Then I was unable to do anything other than suffer pain, and fight to stay alive moment by moment. Surviving was my only job, my only goal. I prefer to be busy with "life" rather than "not dying." So perhaps you see my comment as odd, only because you blessedly have not been that close to death.
So, happy thoughts now! The snow is gorgeous, and more old friends are arriving tomorrow! Former neighbors with whom we've thankfully reconnected. You know, the lousy sick days are SO worth living through, to get to days like these.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Thursday, January 28, 2010
I woke up this morning feeling really good (for once) and ready to go! That's a new one. I showered, put on clean clothes and looked pretty decent. Also new! Now I'm not hungry - yes, life is still normal.
Yesterday I finished my final edits on "Don't Waste the Pain" my brother's and my book, due out in September 2010. It's about my 10 year cancer stumble (okay journey) and my 13 year old nephew's 14 month battle with it. Ian has now gone before us, but we are richer for having known him. I still look at his picture and think of him every day. He changed the life of everyone who knew him, for the better.
Anyway, today's sunshine is doing me wonders, energizing me. The brain damage, lack of physical energy and cancer have taken a toll on my good mood lately. Today I'm finally feeling a turn-around. In fact, I can think of way too many interesting things to get done today. I love it! Yep, I totally love not being able to accomplish everything on my "to do" list. It means I'm still needed, right?
That said, I just might take a nap later, or go for a long, slow walk down by the water. "Doing things" is not the reason for living. Neither is having things, wanting things, making things, or eating things. Just be... and be willing to love. The rest is gravy.
Yesterday I finished my final edits on "Don't Waste the Pain" my brother's and my book, due out in September 2010. It's about my 10 year cancer stumble (okay journey) and my 13 year old nephew's 14 month battle with it. Ian has now gone before us, but we are richer for having known him. I still look at his picture and think of him every day. He changed the life of everyone who knew him, for the better.
Anyway, today's sunshine is doing me wonders, energizing me. The brain damage, lack of physical energy and cancer have taken a toll on my good mood lately. Today I'm finally feeling a turn-around. In fact, I can think of way too many interesting things to get done today. I love it! Yep, I totally love not being able to accomplish everything on my "to do" list. It means I'm still needed, right?
That said, I just might take a nap later, or go for a long, slow walk down by the water. "Doing things" is not the reason for living. Neither is having things, wanting things, making things, or eating things. Just be... and be willing to love. The rest is gravy.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
I'm Not Sick, I'm Alive
I went to bed early last night with the flu and slept in the extra bedroom so as not to disturb Steve. It was a rough night as I periodically woke up in pain, head and muscles throbbing, unable to move. "I think I'm dying. We'll have to cancel our guests for dinner; there's no way I can handle that tonight. And it's probably my cancer roaring back. I'm in my tenth year but it's been a good run. See how brave I am?" Gag me.
At my worst, I actually got up and crawled in to see Steve, hoping for some sympathetic comfort. He gently rubbed my head, brought me painkillers, and babied his miserable wife, letting me sink back into blessed oblivion. After about thirteen hours in bed, I finally woke up, felt fairly normal, and got dressed. Oh, get over it. Everyone gets the flu. You're normal!
What the heck was that all about? If it was simply a twelve hour flu, I get it. But I'm a bit concerned that I was obsessing too much on having cancer. Yeah, that word did flit through my brain a bit too often. Yes, my CA125 count is currently high enough to kill a normal mortal, though I'm not on chemo. I'm "on a break." Sometimes I'm afraid I allow myself to roll over into self-pity, assuming this amazing ride is coming to an end. Why can't I just enjoy the ride?
It's mid-afternoon now, and our company is due soon. I'm a bit achey, but mostly fine. It's time to focus on someone else, and just be glad for this opportunity to see dear old friends. Yes, it's been nearly ten years, and they do know I've had cancer, but having not seen each other for so long, they can't really know what it's been like. And I don't plan to tell them. What a way to ruin a dinner party!
We'll catch up on "kid" news, laugh and tell stories, share our faith experiences, and have a lovely time. I feel better already.
I went to bed early last night with the flu and slept in the extra bedroom so as not to disturb Steve. It was a rough night as I periodically woke up in pain, head and muscles throbbing, unable to move. "I think I'm dying. We'll have to cancel our guests for dinner; there's no way I can handle that tonight. And it's probably my cancer roaring back. I'm in my tenth year but it's been a good run. See how brave I am?" Gag me.
At my worst, I actually got up and crawled in to see Steve, hoping for some sympathetic comfort. He gently rubbed my head, brought me painkillers, and babied his miserable wife, letting me sink back into blessed oblivion. After about thirteen hours in bed, I finally woke up, felt fairly normal, and got dressed. Oh, get over it. Everyone gets the flu. You're normal!
What the heck was that all about? If it was simply a twelve hour flu, I get it. But I'm a bit concerned that I was obsessing too much on having cancer. Yeah, that word did flit through my brain a bit too often. Yes, my CA125 count is currently high enough to kill a normal mortal, though I'm not on chemo. I'm "on a break." Sometimes I'm afraid I allow myself to roll over into self-pity, assuming this amazing ride is coming to an end. Why can't I just enjoy the ride?
It's mid-afternoon now, and our company is due soon. I'm a bit achey, but mostly fine. It's time to focus on someone else, and just be glad for this opportunity to see dear old friends. Yes, it's been nearly ten years, and they do know I've had cancer, but having not seen each other for so long, they can't really know what it's been like. And I don't plan to tell them. What a way to ruin a dinner party!
We'll catch up on "kid" news, laugh and tell stories, share our faith experiences, and have a lovely time. I feel better already.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
An Ugly Day That Isn't
Waking up today was a mistake. It's dreary outside; so is my mood. The sun was shining when I first opened my eyes, but it quickly disappeared under the thick, oppressive, low hanging gray clouds. Now it's cold and depressing.
A black, white and gray winter day - what a drag. We even stayed in bed until after 10:00 AM. So unusual for us. Blah. Sigh... I've told you I don't do well on cloudy days, especially these dank, colorless winter ones. I need the sun.
Guess I'll keep this short. Wait, I see two turquoise rugs hanging out on the neighbors' deck. That's a nice bright spot. And there's a bright yellow recycle bin by the fence. That helps. Oh, and there's my golden/mustard garden pot, empty for winter, but gorgeous nonetheless. The oak trees still hold their dry copper leaves. That's quite pretty, and cheery.
Well, of course now that I actually look, I'm seeing color everywhere. I'm up to over eleven by now, with more each time I look. It's like a color wheel out there. I think I'm smiling.
It just took some time to see past all the muted tones. And maybe dig out of my "pity me" bad attitude. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sleep too much, going back to chemo soon, mental confusion due to the recent drugs. I get it. Deal with it and move on. Grow up, Linda.
Last week was so rich, so full of old friends and new adventures. We connected (and are still reconnecting) with at least four couples from an old Bible study from the '80's. Our former neighbors who are now in Hawaii emailed yesterday, a real treat. And neighbors from 1981 are due here next week. What a treat! You can't beat that for bringing back the past.
Guess what? Yesterday Sam had me accompany him to register to return to college. And he paid for it himself. A living miracle. Okay, fine, today is gorgeous! and I'm going to enjoy it.
A black, white and gray winter day - what a drag. We even stayed in bed until after 10:00 AM. So unusual for us. Blah. Sigh... I've told you I don't do well on cloudy days, especially these dank, colorless winter ones. I need the sun.
Guess I'll keep this short. Wait, I see two turquoise rugs hanging out on the neighbors' deck. That's a nice bright spot. And there's a bright yellow recycle bin by the fence. That helps. Oh, and there's my golden/mustard garden pot, empty for winter, but gorgeous nonetheless. The oak trees still hold their dry copper leaves. That's quite pretty, and cheery.
Well, of course now that I actually look, I'm seeing color everywhere. I'm up to over eleven by now, with more each time I look. It's like a color wheel out there. I think I'm smiling.
It just took some time to see past all the muted tones. And maybe dig out of my "pity me" bad attitude. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sleep too much, going back to chemo soon, mental confusion due to the recent drugs. I get it. Deal with it and move on. Grow up, Linda.
Last week was so rich, so full of old friends and new adventures. We connected (and are still reconnecting) with at least four couples from an old Bible study from the '80's. Our former neighbors who are now in Hawaii emailed yesterday, a real treat. And neighbors from 1981 are due here next week. What a treat! You can't beat that for bringing back the past.
Guess what? Yesterday Sam had me accompany him to register to return to college. And he paid for it himself. A living miracle. Okay, fine, today is gorgeous! and I'm going to enjoy it.
Monday, January 11, 2010
I went away for the weekend to visit relatives, and came back stupid. Well, to be more specific, I came back exhausted (stayed up way too late talking) and with no plans for the week. Now I have to figure out what to do even though I'm so weary. There is, after all, work to be done. Exhaustion is not good for people with health issues.
A great treat is that our old friend (length of friendship, not her age) Eve arrived last night from across the country. What a treat to have her here! It has been more years than we remember since we'd seen one another. She's still gorgeous; me, not so much. Wait, that implies I was once. Oops. Bless her heart, she won't mention that.
This is the week we hope to get Sam registered to return to college. He is nervous, but seems to want to do this. Unfortunately, I seem to be doing most of the work. His IQ is way over mine, but my self-confidence is way over his. We deal with what we've got.
By the way, if you ever, EVER meet someone who has Asperger's, or has a son with it (very few females do) please remember Sam, and reach out to them. (Or, what the heck? Reach out to Sam.) They'd probably love to talk with you, entertain you, or have you for a friend, but they'd never let you know, and never reach out to you. Too risky. In case you don't know, someone with Asperger's can't read human emotion. They don't have a clue how you feel, even if you think they might. No matter how smart they are. Nope.
It might feel awkward, but it will be oh, so worth it. You'll see life in a whole new way that you never imagined. The young men I know who have Asperger's are quite skilled at moving on after the pain of being rejected as stupid, even though they're probably brilliant. That doesn't mean they're fine; it just means they keep moving on. Sam knows how to live with pain. God enables him to cope.
So just do it. You'll be glad you did.
A great treat is that our old friend (length of friendship, not her age) Eve arrived last night from across the country. What a treat to have her here! It has been more years than we remember since we'd seen one another. She's still gorgeous; me, not so much. Wait, that implies I was once. Oops. Bless her heart, she won't mention that.
This is the week we hope to get Sam registered to return to college. He is nervous, but seems to want to do this. Unfortunately, I seem to be doing most of the work. His IQ is way over mine, but my self-confidence is way over his. We deal with what we've got.
By the way, if you ever, EVER meet someone who has Asperger's, or has a son with it (very few females do) please remember Sam, and reach out to them. (Or, what the heck? Reach out to Sam.) They'd probably love to talk with you, entertain you, or have you for a friend, but they'd never let you know, and never reach out to you. Too risky. In case you don't know, someone with Asperger's can't read human emotion. They don't have a clue how you feel, even if you think they might. No matter how smart they are. Nope.
It might feel awkward, but it will be oh, so worth it. You'll see life in a whole new way that you never imagined. The young men I know who have Asperger's are quite skilled at moving on after the pain of being rejected as stupid, even though they're probably brilliant. That doesn't mean they're fine; it just means they keep moving on. Sam knows how to live with pain. God enables him to cope.
So just do it. You'll be glad you did.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Okay, so it only took me an hour to figure out how to get back onto MY OWN blog. Geez. Being old is a drag. Being old and ignorant, is worse. Yes, the cancer has caused (temporary?) brain damage, but I'm determined to get this down. I am SO not giving up; I can do this.
The sun is shining now, and I have SAD, so this should be a good day. No, I'm not sad, I have SAD. (Seasonal Affective Disorder - lack of sunshine causes depression in winter or on cloudy days.) If I fill myself up with those good happy rays, it should carry me through tomorrow when it's expected to snow again. I'm feeling better already!
I think I have Spring fever. Wait, it might just be the sunshine. Thank You, thank You God for meeting my need today. It's almost scary how much better I do with sunshine. Steve got me a special light that duplicates sunshine. It's my alarm, and boy does it work. It doesn't even light a room; it just shoots out a straight line of "sunshine" which I aim at my face. Best gift I ever got.
Till another day when (hopefully) I'm again able to figure out how to open this file. Cheers!
The sun is shining now, and I have SAD, so this should be a good day. No, I'm not sad, I have SAD. (Seasonal Affective Disorder - lack of sunshine causes depression in winter or on cloudy days.) If I fill myself up with those good happy rays, it should carry me through tomorrow when it's expected to snow again. I'm feeling better already!
I think I have Spring fever. Wait, it might just be the sunshine. Thank You, thank You God for meeting my need today. It's almost scary how much better I do with sunshine. Steve got me a special light that duplicates sunshine. It's my alarm, and boy does it work. It doesn't even light a room; it just shoots out a straight line of "sunshine" which I aim at my face. Best gift I ever got.
Till another day when (hopefully) I'm again able to figure out how to open this file. Cheers!
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
How on earth can I have 7 years of college, two degrees, a life of living well, and still be so dolty? Is it perhaps because I went to college in the 70's? My brain is still only 40. Either I'm not aware enough, or I lived without a brain for years. Don't even ask.
Life has purpose, if not the one we choose. Ten years ago I said I believed in God, but didn't live it. Today I still believe, despite the horrors I've endured, and live with the consequences of having not payed attention to my own life. See? Dolty. I'm so glad God loves us even if we're idiots. And now I pay attention.
That said, I'm the happiest I've ever been, in spite of living with terminal cancer (I was given 6 months to live - 9 1/2 years ago) and a ridiculous loss of abilities. Like walking without tripping on my own feet, and remembering people's names. (Wait, did I ever do that?) If you stick with me, perhaps you'll see how pain and stupidity can lead to good things. Seriously.
Life has purpose, if not the one we choose. Ten years ago I said I believed in God, but didn't live it. Today I still believe, despite the horrors I've endured, and live with the consequences of having not payed attention to my own life. See? Dolty. I'm so glad God loves us even if we're idiots. And now I pay attention.
That said, I'm the happiest I've ever been, in spite of living with terminal cancer (I was given 6 months to live - 9 1/2 years ago) and a ridiculous loss of abilities. Like walking without tripping on my own feet, and remembering people's names. (Wait, did I ever do that?) If you stick with me, perhaps you'll see how pain and stupidity can lead to good things. Seriously.
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