Live a Deep Life

I woke up in my own bed today for the first time in I have no idea how long. I am so looped up on drugs that most things are fuzzy. This is not a recreational adventure. If you take drugs for pleasure or recreation, you're an ass and an idiot. And your life is shallow. I'm taking drugs to get through mind numbing pain, hoping to reach normalcy again. And if I can endure that pain, I'll skip them. I just want to be ME again. Drug free, pain free, clear-headed, normal me.

What do you know about pain? Can you brush your teeth? That's too hard for me right now. Standing at a sink and rubbing those once soft, but now rough bristles across my tender teeth hurts too much. Can you stand up? I can with help from Steve or a chair, but only for moments. Can you sit immobile in a chair without crying? I can, if I concentrate hard enough. Are you able to inhale deeply without crying? Sometimes I can do that, but for now, my lungs are not at full capacity. Can you remember what happened yesterday?

Where was I? Oh... try spending your life as a nearly obsessively independent person, then lose it all to physical inability, and let me know how you handle it. It is humbling and tiring and depressing and takes all one has to overcome. My will is indeed strong, but it all collapses under a body that will not obey my brain, a body that cannot function with any certainty anymore, a body way too young for all this. Except, it's obviously not too young. It can happen anytime.

Two months ago I was capable and strong, independent and energetic. Can I get there again? Well, yes, I can. I just have to break out of this prison I'm in. The prison formed by my sick body and lived in by me. Yet first, my brain has to rebuild and take over my day to day functions. It can happen. If I stay off the pain killers, get some rest, stop trying to be a super-human, and do what Steve tells me is best, I'll get better. The temptation to feel sorry for myself is so strong. I'm just tired of fighting. I'm weary of reality. The truth has worn me out.

It's time to take a nap. When I awake, I want to get up and walk around the house, go outside to see my yard, laugh with Steve, trade jokes with Sam, have a bite to eat, clean the joint, and read. But if all I do is sit here and read, that's okay too.