DON'T HATE THE HATER

Sorry about that last dreary posting. It was a bad day, much better now. Yesterday I had the chemo, went to bed by 9, couldn't sleep, came down to write on my latest book for two hours, went back to bed @ 3:30, finally slept, woke up at 6:30 anyway. Should be an interesting day. At least the sun is shining!

Our next door neighbor hates me. It's a long, weird, complicated story. The last communication was when I cut a massive bouquet of my blooming Hydrangeas and placed them on her porch as a gift. She didn't answer my knock. Next morning Steve found them splayed on our porch. I cried for a long time. Years later now, she despises me beyond sanity. We don't know why, only a guess. It helps little that she now speaks to only one neighbor, and that includes horrid comments about the rest of the newer neighbors. But I'm her prime target. And we live in such a friendly place!

I resist hating her back, and attempt to pray for her when I think of it. (Yes, I admit that some days I wish she'd just move.) I try to not think of the one who hates me, but what good is that? I see little things all the time I wish I could do for her, but no. How sad to have such hatred, especially when the hated one feels nothing like that. I've come to see her hatred as a gift, I suppose. It makes me realize how precious are our days, and that to not forgive slights is so bitter and wasteful. I find it easier to forgive others because of her, so I suppose I should be thankful for that ability she gave me.

We have a nice tree that is too close to her fence, with branches leaning over her yard. Nice tree, but I've decided it has to go. It might lead to problems, might damage her fence (which came after the tree by the way). But she might get angry at losing the shade. Sigh. I've decided to cut it down and plant a smaller flowering one further from our border. It will grow, and I hope that someday she likes it, and maybe me again too.

Oh Bother!

I hit the wall hard and knocked myself out. Not sure how long it will take to recover. By that, I mean the book I'm writing about my autistic son. Somehow, the entire thing disappeared from my files, (what the heck key did I hit!?!) and I went into near cardiac arrest with choked-up-hard-to-breathe sobbing for two days. 25000 words and 13 months of writing - kaput.

By now, Steve has managed to recover bits and pieces (maybe whole parts?) and I'm patching up what is there. However, it's only letters, as in no entire words, no punctuation, no nothing that makes sense. 25000 words is now over 300000 units of...something. Yes, it is decipherable, but it will take weeks. And with the drug induced brain damage and memory issues... huh? So, I guess it's time to slow down. I know I can do this, and edit as as I go, but I feel so bloody and bruised. It's not like I wasn't rereading and editing anyway. Criminy.

What a rotten week. I couldn't have chemo last Wed. because my counts were too low, so by now my bad numbers have risen even more. See, it works like this: You get cancer. Then you take poison to kill the cancer, and the poison makes you feel worse. Then the growing cancer makes things so bad that you can't risk taking poison or it kills you. So the cancer gets worse until you're well enough to take poison again. Make sense? OF COURSE NOT!

Oh, bother, where is Winnie the Pooh when I really need him?

A Duck's Life

Aargh! Thank You God for all this rain, but for Pete's sake, please stop it! We now have beach front (swamp front?) property in the back yard, and little space left to walk out front where we won't sink in up to our knees. Clay soil is great for massive puddles and lousy gardens. Oh, and Mallards.

More importantly, I"m having to use my 'special lamp' quite a lot lately, the one that recreates sunlight, not just light. It's pretty cool and weird, sort of like my dramatic need for sunlight. As a kid I used to put my face under a table lamp, hoping no one would see me. Now I know it's actually normal (though not common) to have SAD, (Seasonal Affective Disorder).

The good thing is that I'm working on redecorating some rooms, so if I'm being creative, the lamp must be working. Yes, decorating can seem shallow and frivolous, but it's not. If your yard is a mess with leaves and fallen branches, you clean it and make it better. If your bathroom is full of dirty clothes and wet towels, you do the same. Likewise with rooms that have ratty furniture and stained walls - signs of life, but no beauty. So fix them. Make them enjoyable, comfortable and worth living in.

By the way, I just looked out at the small (well, 8' x 4') "pond" that has grown out back, and you know what? With a little work, it could be permanent! As in, if I build up around the rim, I could make that clay bottomed recess between the trees a permanent area for those ducks, and some lovely water plants too. Why not? This part of MD is referred to as "The Wetlands" for a reason.

Okay, now I have to research water gardening. I can read up on it while in chemo tomorrow. The usual 48 hours of frenzied activity that follow the drugs will be spent learning how to do just that. I'll let you know if I learn anything of value.

By the way, I'll assume most ducks are content. Maybe it's time for me to be glad for the rain and the wet and the possibilities for beauty and new life my yard is offering.

Just Live Today

I went on one date with a guy named Steve, and in spite of that, it's lasted nearly 37 years. I'm a terrible housekeeper, but in spite of that, while on chemo, I do a surprisingly good job of making this place look great. I'm not good at math, but in spite of that, I've done our taxes for over 30 years. I went bald from chemo in late 2000, but in spite of that, less than three years later my hair was two feet long, (though now it's barely nine inches long without my even cutting it.) Not much makes sense in my life. You can see why this blog is called Mylifeinspiteofme. It all happens whether or not I plan or hope for it.

Should I plan to do my taxes today since they're due soon, or should I bake, in hopes that the taxes will be more likely to miraculously get done in spite of me? Remember, my life is NOT what I planned.

My Bible study mates sometimes find it hard to follow what I'm saying, since I seem to live on another plane anymore. Or maybe that's another planet. How can I spend time planning my future when my today isn't even a given? Although there are moments of frustration, I can't tell you how wonderful it is to simply live in today, to not allow future todays to hinder what I do this day.

Now don't get all grown up on me; I'm not saying to ignore the consequences of our actions, or to live selfishly and carelessly. I'm saying, keep your mind focused on where you ARE, and less time on where you're going. I'm finally starting to grasp what Jesus means by His name, "I AM." With Him, it's always today; time doesn't change Him. Today I'm living in the moment. You're welcome to join me.

Minus One

I only slept four hours last night due to the chemo (9-1am), got up to read and be pissed off, and of course, now feel more energetic than normal. Ha. It's exactly what I expected, but it won't last. My head is just too full of words. In the meantime, I'm doing laundry and assorted other chores I hate. That should bore me back to the sleep I need.

Or not. I'm remembering ten years ago, when my first night on the same drugs, minus one, was pure hell. Steve was on the phone @ 2:00am with my oncologist, pleading for help to keep me alive as I regurgitated most of the mandatory drugs into the toilet (or the floor or the bed), with a body torn apart by surgery, held together with stitches, and excruciating pain that left me unable to walk alone. I won't even use words ugly enough to describe it. Yet I lived.

The minus one is the difference. Turns out that what is mandatory for most, is not mandatory for me. Thank you God.

Now here's the good stuff. I'm writing my blog, my book, letters to friends, emails, and other notes. I love to write. I'm planning a nice meal for my guys tonight (if I'm still awake). I'm not going bald this time. Fortunate, since I don't have much left from previous treatments, but I still somehow look "normal" and it's sort of long and way curly. (Huh? White hair curls?) My daughter loves us and we talk a lot, even at nine hours away. My autistic son is doing things we'd never thought possible with more new things on the horizon.

I could go on, but no need. Yes, I crave prayers of those who pray and good thoughts of those who don't. But I want you to know that I am happy and content. And freakin' tired.

Unexpected

Okay, this is short, since I already posted today. Just wanted you to know that two (2, dos, deux, zwei) of my nurses at the Infusion Center called today, so see if there was anything they could do to help me when I restart chemo in five days. This is not required of them. They're simply great women who care.

Okay, now against my expectations, I'm actually looking forward to going back.

Living Outside of Me

I'm working on our taxes, with brain damage. Maybe that will make it easier this time around. Either that, or we're in big financial trouble! Also, for the first time ever, I'm going to use Turbo Tax. I'll admit that so far, I'm quite pleased with how easy it's been. The one step that stumps me every single year is causing the same confusion and stress this time around. Therefore, in the end, that makes me feel normal.

I'm incredibly tired, due to the tumor growing in my liver. Have I mentioned that I've hated liver all my life? I used to get in trouble with Mom & Dad when I refused to eat it. I know, this is different, but the word just sickens me. Ugh. However, I do prefer to have a liver; life without one is not... well, it's just not. And I return to chemo in about 5 days. More on that later.

Although this feels so far like the longest winter on record, I know it's not. It's the same every year, last I looked at a calendar. It's surely my self-imposed isolation that makes me feel so drab, so alone. Yesterday I broke out and met a former customer for lunch. It was so nice to listen to another woman talk, to hear about her life. Yeah, I've spent way too much time focused on me. For some reason, it always takes me a long time to get that; to realize that the less time I spend on me, and the more time I spend on others, the better my life is.

So...write to me. Tell me about you. Help me to live Mylifeinspiteofme.