Ambrosia

Never have I done two postings in one day, but never before have I had such limited time and such important news.

And this is of utmost importance. Vanilla Ensure with orange juice is my new ambrosia. Seriously. I am so sick of gagging down chocolate Ensure that I'd rather die today than have to consume it again, even if I am sorely in need of calories. So Steve tried something new, vanilla Ensure w/o.j., and it was like manna from heaven. It was like drinking an orange freeze. Bliss.

That's it. Just remember it for the day - a day far away from today - when you or someone you love has to drink Ensure to keep from wasting away. You will be a hero or heroine. Steve is. I can go on now.

Can You Understand?

Sorry, I left you with "My Life Sucks" for a bit too long. Rough week. The sun still isn't shining, but there is hope. Tomorrow is Easter - surely by then...?

I had some great guests this week. Some people we've known for years, some we've known only a short while, but each one is a special treat to me. I tell you, everyone should have the opportunity to go through this part of leaving earth, just to see all their old friends who come to say goodbye!

It's clear a lot of people don't know what to expect upon their arrival. A gray faced woman huddled in a large chair? A pale, weak body in a home Hospice bed? Nope. What they get is plain old me, looking pretty much like I always have. You know, disheveled and gorgeous! Ha! Ha! How about disheveled and ordinary? But the fact is, I do look pretty much as I always have. Just older, like everyone else.

I thought I'd take time today to talk about Resurrection Day, since it's celebrated tomorrow. But some of you don't care about that, and those who do will read about it on your own, then hear about and celebrate it tomorrow at your churches. I will say though, if it's a "nothing" day to you, the celebration of the day Jesus was raised from the dead, then you cannot possibly know who I am, so why are you even reading this?

That is not a judgment statement. It's simply a fact. You cannot know me if you don't know Who I love most in my life. You cannot possibly fathom how I live this cancer misery with hope and great expectations. You cannot imagine why I'd be willing (even longing) to go be with Someone other than Steve, Morgan and Sam, my three dear beloveds. You cannot come close to my heart unless you are willing to give your own to the One who loves you more than you love yourself, the One who loves you in spite of all the horrid things you do every single day of your rotten life. He just loves you. It's as simple as that.

My Life Sucks

Okay, it doesn't suck, but it's sure not that much fun right now. Wait, the sun is shining, the sky is blue, Morgan is in front of me, bits of green are popping out on the trees, the garden is planted thanks to family, Renee is here for two more days, I have a note by my bed that Sam wrote which is the only thing I'd grab if the house burned down, and my heating pad is helping my backache. Okay, life doesn't suck.

But I wouldn't go so far as to say it's a whole lot of fun, either. Now, what would be a whole lot of fun? ...........thinking............. Well, lying in my hammock would be fun, but I can do that after Steve sets it up in the back yard (and if it ever gets above 50° but apparently that's not happening this year). Yes, it's late April in MD, a southern state, and it's freakin' 50°! Whatever happened to global warming?

It would be fun to correspond with old friends from Ohio, but oh yeah, I'm doing that already. Watching old movies with Steve... on it. Praying for almost everyone I've ever met... on it. Playing on-line card games and puzzles? Not my cup of tea when I'd prefer to garden, but for someone confined to sitting quietly all day it's a great way to keep an active and usable brain, so I've grown to enjoy it. And I win!! Well, I've lost 82% of solitaire (really? solitaire!?) but let's not go there. I win everything else. Almost.

Everyone we know is coming by to see me, to say goodbye and basically check in on us. It sounds depressing, but I see it as an ongoing party. Sometimes we fix the food (and I use the term "we", meaning never me, loosely) and sometimes they bring it with them. We talk, laugh, look at old pictures, have a good time. They come over ready to cry, and leave wiping away tears of laughter. Funny how that happens. Ha ha, I win.

Oh, and I guess my life doesn't suck.

How I See It

When things are going well, smile, throw your head back in triumph, pump your fist into the air and yell, "Yeah man, life is great!"

When life sucks, stand tall anyway, close your eyes in submission, pump your clenched fist into the air and cry out, "I hate this, but I'll get through it!"

"When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider; God has made the one as well as the other." Ec.7:14:a

Aren't I godly? Sure...

I've been thinking lately about people I want to smack. Well, smack some truth into. I've thought that way too often in my life, and most people who were once in that category are now my friends. I got over myself. Still, there remain a few whom I need to "get over". It will come.

Take the woman next door who despises me. She'll figure out soon enough that my days are short, (a steady stream of floral deliveries, endless visitors, I'm invisibly not outside, Steve is home a lot...) but will she try to talk to me? Unlikely, but whether from hate or shame, I have no idea. Will she wait until I'm gone and offer sympathy to my family? I doubt they'd be thrilled with that "too little, too late" effort. Should I leave behind a note saying, "I don't hate you back and never did; I even prayed for you," so she'll know she was forgiven for her hatred of me? Maybe. Or would that make her even angrier? I have no idea. Only God knows, so perhaps He'll let me know.

There are others who were cruel to me whom I won't even name, but in my heart, I've moved way over toward forgiving their wounds against me. I mean, what's the point in holding on to pain? Most things and people who hurt me are history, long ago events that I can barely recall at this point. If they mean that little, why even go there? A small part of me would like to tell them it's okay, but knowing they are unlikely to even recall what they did or said to me, it seems pointless. God knows how I feel. It's over. I'm clean.

Frankly, my main concern is this: Would I have forgiven people if I was strong and healthy and cancer free? I sure hope so. Then again, this life of knowing I'll die is a good way to straighten out and fly right. I've said it before, this cancer probably saved my life. I promise to pray you get saved in easier ways!!

Whine time. My back is killing me. Wait, my cancer is killing me, but my back sure does hurt today. I'm tired. I'm not hungry, but I have to eat. The sky is CLOUDY again, and you know how that makes me feel. No one is here visiting, but I'm so weary, I couldn't visit anyway. Blah, blah, blah.

Oh, I have to write again to Christa and Kathy and Peggy and.... I have lots to do. Morgan is due again in a few days, and so is Renee and Don and Rodney and Zoe.... there are 5 (five!) bouquets of fresh flowers around the house, all sent from people who love us.

After writing this, I pretty much think I'm over it all. All those former "jerks" are now simply people I once knew ... human and flawed just like me. I know I'm forgiven by God; I hope I'm forgiven by anyone I hurt.

Wait, I just saw a peep of blue in the sky. "Yeah man, life is great!"

BROCCOLI

Broccoli is the best food God ever created.
Rich in nutrients, can't beat that.
Often, yes I'd eat it 100 times a year, if I could.
Crazy, as in my Dad would go crazy to know I eat this like candy now.
Crunchy when cold... yes, I'll eat it crunchy & cold in a salad too.
Oh my gosh, a good broccoli soup is to die for!
Let them eat cake... I want my broccoli.
Incredible that eating a green flower could bring me such pleasure.

In The Garden

It's happening today! My garden is being renovated!

David is already here. Marilyn and Charlie arrive this morning. We've discussed some areas that need work (basically, all of it) and are working on what new things to add. First, pull the weeds, rake up dead branches and last year's leaves, then lay out our plan. My heart's pounding faster already.

Yesterday Leslie cut back all the ornamental grasses and put that pile of muck in my truck, which was a huge help. (♪ Catch that rhyme? I must be feeling good. ♪) Leslie is a brilliant, humorous, retired attorney with two teens at home who keep her life busy. We're just alike (except for the brilliance, two teens and retired attorney part - and did I mention she is cute and blond? Okay so we're polar opposites) in that we like to do yard clean up work so we can not think about what we're doing. Just do it and breathe, ponder, pray, and enjoy. I rather think she had a good time. Looked like it anyway, and now my truck bed is full to brimming with dump destiny in mind.

I've been online to peruse my options for new plants, but no decisions yet. David worked with our Dad more than I did, and the others will have ideas too. No matter what they plant, it will be more than I could have done on my own. And they'll have fun too. It's doubtful they can finish this all in one day, but it will be a start.

That's what gardening is... start small, let it grow. Trust God to take the seeds, the seedlings, the earth He gave us, and simply do His thing. It's part of why I love to garden. It's like magic. That which I plant is so unlike that which adorns my garden weeks and months later. Smelling the soil when it's damp (not muddy), feeling the earth between my fingers, pulling a weed shoot so gently as it (roots and all) slips out of it's base... it all connects me. I am still a gardener, even when others have to do it for me.

Soon I'll be the plant, replanted in another place, and I wonder what type of beauty I'll be then. Surely, God will make me beautiful, at least to Him.

Growing New Life

It's warm outside and I'm not freezing. I've been freezing for months, even on not very cold days. I even walked around the yard today (without a jacket!) with my brother, looking at all the work that needs to be done. I was wondering who was going to do it, since I'm lucky to walk ten feet at a time these days.

Then I remembered my two best friends, Nan and Leslie. They garden! And, they live a ten minute walk or a one minute drive away. Woo hoo! On top of that, my sister, brother-in-law, and brother are due this week (one is already here) and they plan to do the Lyons thing and put in a garden for the slug, meaning me.

Dave will help me figure out what I want to plant - he knows nursery stock better than I do, then he and the others will do the hard part for me. I'm so excited. Keep in mind that Steve, Morgan and Sam would rather eat an uncooked toad than work in the yard. Somehow I gave birth to two people who have none of my gardener's blood in their veins, and married one who thinks people were born to be inside, not out. Geez.

So, I'm excited to be planning this garden, happy to have people who love me who are willing to do the hard work, and content to know I'll get to see the labor of their love while I'm still here. The whole area is currently a mess, full of weeds, glop and other "ignored garden" stuff. But I can see it. It looks beautiful to me already. I just want it to bring some joy and pleasure into Steve's life once I'm gone. A garden is such an extension of who I am. I think it will matter; I know he will love to sit in it and remember.