What Matters

Silly me. I went to bed at 9:00P.M., but I'd had chemo at 9:00A.M. So, that's not gonna work. Got up at 10 and came downstairs. Writing, thinking, drinking grape juice, speeding, NOT cleaning, though before I left, Steve asked if I thought I might. Ha. He's so funny. Smack.

No pain, and I feel pretty good, actually. Thank God it was raining all day, or I'd have gardened myself to death. God was watching out for me with the wetness and chill. Instead I made three great fruit & vegetable dishes for dinner and Steve came home, looked at them, and made himself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Oh right, he eats meat (of which none was thawed) which has started to repulse me. I hope our marriage can handle this dietary shift. Well, chemo and my food repulsion is only every 4 weeks.

I'll crash tomorrow when the sun comes out. When neighbors drive by and see me lying face down in the grass, I hope they assume I'm napping, on purpose.

I've thought a lot about whether or not, if given the choice, I'd trade in having cancer for living the life I used to have - the healthy one where I ate well, felt well, worked hard, and had few concerns. Remember? The life without clear direction or true faith or purpose. I guess there's my answer.

Part of it is having grown up - a little late at now 60, but at least I finally did it. Part of it is simply giving up, and giving the wreck of who I was to God. I think (I know) I like me better now. So does Steve, I think. Life is no longer all about me. I like it this way. Dana and I have discussed it. Thanks God for the cancer...we hate it, but thanks for showing us what matters.