Your Choice

I've been asked by more than one friend if I'm afraid of dying. My initial reaction is nope. In fact, I'm kind of excited about it. What an adventure it will be! And none of you have done it yet, so I win. Well, that's according to human terms where whoever is first is the winner.

You don't think that makes me a winner, do you? You don't want to die, do you? Even if you are a Believer. I've had other Believers tell me that they're not there yet, not ready to die. Too many things to still do - kids to raise, houses to fix up, jobs to complete, books to read, sins to repent of, cake to eat. They haven't quite explained to me (or themselves) how any of those things is better than being in heaven, but I won't push it. I do get it. It's just that I'm past that viewpoint.

Perhaps the daily pain and inability to do much has taken me over the edge. I have a freakin' wheelchair here now, for Pete's sake. And I have to sit on a chair to take a dang shower. Talk about feeling old - geez. I simply can't stand up very long without support. But, if you don't hate skinny, I do look good in my knit shirt and sweat pants. I look all of 95 lbs., but I look fine. And Steve asked that I not cut my hair. It's been long for 36 out of our 37 years of marriage; he wants me to be me. So I pin it up and when I see pics, it does look just fine. Remember, there's still lots of dark brown in there.

So now I'm thinking about why Believers are so afraid to die. That's interesting. Are they not really Believers? Do they doubt God can handle all they handle themselves? Do they think their loved ones will not be cared for by our loving God? Do they think they would do a better job on some things than God can? Do they doubt deep inside that all they profess to believe is actually real? Is their faith merely a cover for "being a good person"? Are you afraid? Want to tell me why?

I hesitate to go here, but my friend Christa lost her Mom to a heartbreaking early death when she was just a little girl. Was Christa's life ruined? No. Did she suffer heartache and sorrow? Of course, but her life was not ruined. I too miss her Mom, but we have to believe that God was and is still watching over her Mom. We cannot explain all things, but we can assume that God does not cause us harm. He sees the harm we do, and comforts us, but he never causes harm. I do know that God loves my friend Christa as much as He always has. And she has never been out of his sight, not for one moment. And I love her too, so there.

I'll tell you that I am stunned at how many friends and relatives have told me that they wish they could go with me. Stunned. Are they living miserable lives? No. They just want to be in heaven, and know I'm on my way.

What's that? Oh, you don't believe in the afterlife, don't believe in the salvation of Christ. Well, there's not much more I'll say on that. I've said what needed to be said. You either listened and considered, or you listened and ignored. It's your choice. I am not angry at all with how you've reacted. I'm sad, yes, but I'll also never give up on your considering it a possibility, that I am right on all this. That's free will, and you have it just like I do.

So, am I afraid? Still nope. I don't think about it a lot, because it seems somehow unfaithful to Steve, Morgan and Sam, but they too know I'm looking forward in some way to it. They might be afraid of the pain to come, but they know I'm not afraid for me. I'm just enjoying each day as much as I can - from this dang seated position! - in the meantime. We go for some short rides, watch movies, play games, talk and laugh - all the usual Richardson stuff.

I've made my choice. What will yours be?