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With whom do you converse more than anyone else in your life? On a regular basis. For most married people, it would be one's spouse. Then maybe the kids. Same here.
Wait, I'll bet some people talk to coworkers more than anyone, since 8 hours a day is more than evenings at home. Whatever. I work at home (writing, cooking, not cleaning, corresponding, etc.) but I do talk with Steve via phone nearly every day. For a long time.
But I find myself talking with someone else on and off all day lately. God. Okay, so that sounds geeky if you're not a Believer, but oh well. I'm a geek and it's what I do, so please refrain from laughing. Sometimes I think I should be more respectful, less casual, and stop "dropping in on Him" so often. Then I think He wants to be in my life, so what's wrong with an ongoing conversation all day long? Yes, there are days when I sit down, read my Bible and truly worship Him, but frankly, most of the time it's simply talking, asking, admitting, questioning, even begging.
I suppose it's all related to this cancer journey which is so up and down and bizarre. I never know if I'm getting well, or dying or just odd. I decided today that I'd rather not know how I'm doing; it's too exhausting to deal with how to react, how to look forward, how to handle my emotions and those of my family. Gak! I'm pooped and I just woke up.
I remember when I first got sick, and learned to "live in today." Sadly, I've lost that ability. I want it back. Yes, do my chores and handle responsibilities, but don't dwell on tomorrow or wait for today to end. Just live in it. Today is all I've got that's certain.
I hate, hate, hate that I got cancer. I'm also thankful for it, since I've been forced to learn things I'd never have learned without it. It's a puzzle. Odd as it seems, the scale is tipping toward... glad I got it. It's scary to think where I'd be if it had not stopped me in my tracks ten years ago. There is absolutely nothing in my life today that came as a result of cancer that I'd be willing to let go if given the chance to trade it for 'no cancer.'
It is what it is. Do you have some horrid thing in your life that has miraculously made your life better? Think hard, remember. Even the excruciating pain of childbirth leads to having someone who fills your life with love. So the pain is worth it, no?
I find it harder as days go by to waste time, to wish "it" would hurry up, whatever "it" is. I'm trying to recapture being able to live in today. Tomorrow comes without my having to do anything. Like I said, today is all I've got that's certain, and I'm not about to waste it.
Thanks for listening. I feel better already.
Monday, August 16, 2010
Friday, August 13, 2010
Are We Having Fun Yet?
Here are the facts:
Decided to attend a niece's wedding in Kansas City. Sam joined us because he longed to see his favorite cousin, but Sam won't fly. We looked at our 2 old cars, sighed, then rented a car and left. We drove 9 hours to KY to get Morgan. She was suffering from what her doc thought was MRSA, a dangerous, wicked rash on her leg, but healing.
Her grass was 10" high. She'd been with us for 4 weeks in June/July, and her lazy housemate hadn't mowed even once. Then Morgan's mower broke. Steve fixed it and mowed while I tried to rake up the "hay" and dispose of it. Steve's back had "gone out" leaving him in serious pain. Oh, and it was over 100°.
Next day we headed to Kansas, another 10 hr. drive. The front passenger seat was so low I couldn't see the hood, let alone the road. Steve's head was 6" above mine; I looked straight into his neck. I felt like a two year old unless I was driving, then Steve was the little kid. Nice view of the sky though.
We arrived at the motel where we weren't placed with extended family on floor 3, but on floor 2 at the opposite end. No problem. Until we realized we had no chair and no phone. After we'd unpacked, they told us they were moving us, so we repacked and moved to floor 1. We got a phone that we never used. It was now 107°.
Saw some family at the pool (we didn't take suits) but we did get a short visit with mostly in-laws of my sister-in-law. Not our family, but fun people whom we truly enjoy. Morgan and Sam went with cousins to a movie. I went to sleep and Steve merely laid down in pain.
Morgan woke me @ 5:00am and asked me to look at her neck. She'd broken out in another painful, itchy rash. Took her to an emergency clinic that opened 90 minutes after our arrival. Turns out she's allergic to the meds given for her previous rash. The poor woman was in agony. She laid down in our room and we all slept, missing every family gathering that afternoon.
Went to the wedding, which was 90 minutes - outside. The bride was lovely though. Don't brides sweat? Morgan was in too much pain to attend. Yes, really. She rode 10 hrs. for... what?
Went to the reception, (Morgan too, warily) which began @ 8:00 (9:00pm our time, already 30 min. after my usual bedtime with my current drugs) and again spent time with in-laws of our sister-in-law. Fortunately I really like these folks! Morgan and Sam were seated at other tables. Sam only got @ 10 min. with his favorite cousin, who was elsewhere. He was pretty bummed. The hors d'oeuvres were fabulous, but Sam is food-cautious, so only ate one pineapple slice. It was his only meal of the day, partly explaining why he's so thin.
Returned to KY, where Morgan and Steve hunted for a car to replace hers, one previously owned by her grandmother, with only 40,000 mi. on it in 10 yrs. Fabulous and paid for. The previous week it was totaled by a 17 yr. old who rear ended her. About $6000.00 later she had a car, an older one with high mileage. Thank God for Dads with dollars. Then we came home.
The good things: ...um...
Wait, there were good things. My niece is happily off on a new adventure. Morgan is healing. She has a new/old car. We got to spend hours and hours with our own kids, which seldom happens. We had a great meal our last night together and saw a hilarious movie. We arrived home in one piece. It's under 100° here in MD. Barely.
Oh, and to top it off, someone sideswiped our rental car in a parking lot, but the rental company charged us not one dime for it when we returned it. Go figure. God, I'm glad to be home. Hope the house doesn't burn down.
Decided to attend a niece's wedding in Kansas City. Sam joined us because he longed to see his favorite cousin, but Sam won't fly. We looked at our 2 old cars, sighed, then rented a car and left. We drove 9 hours to KY to get Morgan. She was suffering from what her doc thought was MRSA, a dangerous, wicked rash on her leg, but healing.
Her grass was 10" high. She'd been with us for 4 weeks in June/July, and her lazy housemate hadn't mowed even once. Then Morgan's mower broke. Steve fixed it and mowed while I tried to rake up the "hay" and dispose of it. Steve's back had "gone out" leaving him in serious pain. Oh, and it was over 100°.
Next day we headed to Kansas, another 10 hr. drive. The front passenger seat was so low I couldn't see the hood, let alone the road. Steve's head was 6" above mine; I looked straight into his neck. I felt like a two year old unless I was driving, then Steve was the little kid. Nice view of the sky though.
We arrived at the motel where we weren't placed with extended family on floor 3, but on floor 2 at the opposite end. No problem. Until we realized we had no chair and no phone. After we'd unpacked, they told us they were moving us, so we repacked and moved to floor 1. We got a phone that we never used. It was now 107°.
Saw some family at the pool (we didn't take suits) but we did get a short visit with mostly in-laws of my sister-in-law. Not our family, but fun people whom we truly enjoy. Morgan and Sam went with cousins to a movie. I went to sleep and Steve merely laid down in pain.
Morgan woke me @ 5:00am and asked me to look at her neck. She'd broken out in another painful, itchy rash. Took her to an emergency clinic that opened 90 minutes after our arrival. Turns out she's allergic to the meds given for her previous rash. The poor woman was in agony. She laid down in our room and we all slept, missing every family gathering that afternoon.
Went to the wedding, which was 90 minutes - outside. The bride was lovely though. Don't brides sweat? Morgan was in too much pain to attend. Yes, really. She rode 10 hrs. for... what?
Went to the reception, (Morgan too, warily) which began @ 8:00 (9:00pm our time, already 30 min. after my usual bedtime with my current drugs) and again spent time with in-laws of our sister-in-law. Fortunately I really like these folks! Morgan and Sam were seated at other tables. Sam only got @ 10 min. with his favorite cousin, who was elsewhere. He was pretty bummed. The hors d'oeuvres were fabulous, but Sam is food-cautious, so only ate one pineapple slice. It was his only meal of the day, partly explaining why he's so thin.
Returned to KY, where Morgan and Steve hunted for a car to replace hers, one previously owned by her grandmother, with only 40,000 mi. on it in 10 yrs. Fabulous and paid for. The previous week it was totaled by a 17 yr. old who rear ended her. About $6000.00 later she had a car, an older one with high mileage. Thank God for Dads with dollars. Then we came home.
The good things: ...um...
Wait, there were good things. My niece is happily off on a new adventure. Morgan is healing. She has a new/old car. We got to spend hours and hours with our own kids, which seldom happens. We had a great meal our last night together and saw a hilarious movie. We arrived home in one piece. It's under 100° here in MD. Barely.
Oh, and to top it off, someone sideswiped our rental car in a parking lot, but the rental company charged us not one dime for it when we returned it. Go figure. God, I'm glad to be home. Hope the house doesn't burn down.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
The End Zone
Some of you already know how this past year has treated me like a football. You know, kicking me around, throwing me curves, even carrying me when there was no other way. Now it's kicked me into the end zone.
I've had ovarian cancer for ten years, which in itself is amazing. Yes, there have been bad times, but not as many as you'd think. Wait, probably more than you think, but not as many as I could have had. Dr. Boice has been great, and though he remains totally professional, I've begun to feel a bit of friendship there. He's my doctor, and I have a terminal illness - he can't risk caring too much.
Everything must come to an end, and so must this. There is no chemo left that I've not yet taken. The cancer has grown unabated nonetheless for over six months. Two months ago we were gently and lovingly told that it's unlikely I'll live another year. And I've been fine with that. Enough is enough. Steve, Morgan and Sam were not so placid.
But wait, my doctors, who obviously rarely wear shoes and socks, have had their socks blown off yet one more time. A few days ago we were told that yet again, my body is reversing it's pattern and going into a possible remission. CA125 is dropping rapidly. That's a very good thing, yet it makes little sense right now. My two oncologists don't understand it but are pleased. We are stunned.
Nothing is certain. I will not live to be an old woman. (Shut up, I am not already old!) Or maybe I'll live longer than you. Who knows? What won't change is that I'll continue to wake up and live my days as if there are no tomorrows. I have no other option. I'm on a chemo alternative and will remain on it for some time. We'll see how it goes. For now, I'm regaining strength, working in my garden for the first time in ages, and painting some old furniture.
Imagine what you would do today if it was your last day on earth. Can you do that? Good. Now you know what today is like for me. Have a good day. I plan to.
I've had ovarian cancer for ten years, which in itself is amazing. Yes, there have been bad times, but not as many as you'd think. Wait, probably more than you think, but not as many as I could have had. Dr. Boice has been great, and though he remains totally professional, I've begun to feel a bit of friendship there. He's my doctor, and I have a terminal illness - he can't risk caring too much.
Everything must come to an end, and so must this. There is no chemo left that I've not yet taken. The cancer has grown unabated nonetheless for over six months. Two months ago we were gently and lovingly told that it's unlikely I'll live another year. And I've been fine with that. Enough is enough. Steve, Morgan and Sam were not so placid.
But wait, my doctors, who obviously rarely wear shoes and socks, have had their socks blown off yet one more time. A few days ago we were told that yet again, my body is reversing it's pattern and going into a possible remission. CA125 is dropping rapidly. That's a very good thing, yet it makes little sense right now. My two oncologists don't understand it but are pleased. We are stunned.
Nothing is certain. I will not live to be an old woman. (Shut up, I am not already old!) Or maybe I'll live longer than you. Who knows? What won't change is that I'll continue to wake up and live my days as if there are no tomorrows. I have no other option. I'm on a chemo alternative and will remain on it for some time. We'll see how it goes. For now, I'm regaining strength, working in my garden for the first time in ages, and painting some old furniture.
Imagine what you would do today if it was your last day on earth. Can you do that? Good. Now you know what today is like for me. Have a good day. I plan to.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
It Takes Two
Okaaay. According to some blog and email responses to my last posting, perhaps I should be clearer. I'm not saying you shouldn't go to church. What I'm saying is that going to a church will never save you. The danger is that today so many "Christian" churches aren't Christian at all. They're social clubs where a few Believers attend, yet many attendees simply go out of habit or to feel good about themselves.
I've known many people who go to church for years, but are not saved. My own father was one. He went because Mom wanted him to. It's what decent men did in Ohio in the 50's/60's. Then around age 65, he heard the gospel in a way that touched his heart and mind for the very first time, and his life radically changed as he gave up his disbelief. Going to church didn't save him; it just led him in the right direction. God saved him. And his 3 believing kids and 1 wife were thrilled!
(Dad used to introduce Mom as his "first wife." It startled others, made her want to kick him, and made us laugh. She was his "first wife" until they both passed away in their mid-80's.)
I've also known people who go to church while having affairs, cheating on taxes, believing in horoscopes and other non-Christian things. But it doesn't mean they can't learn in the midst of their sin who Christ is. In fact, I can't name one non-sinning Christian I know. We're all jerks half the time, saved or not. Thank God for His grace. Going to a church doesn't save anyone; believing Christ does.
I've also known people who never attend a church for one reason or another, yet they are saved. Yes, I would like to see them be aligned with a body of other believers, but for whatever reason, they're not. But they are aligned with Christ. As I've already said, it's between the person and Christ, no one else. Not a mom, a dad, a friend, a pastor, a spouse... no one.
I miss and still respect our former pastor; he's a good man. But I don't miss the church only because God changed where He wants us to be for now. So where are you? Are you where you should be? It only takes two...God and you.
I've known many people who go to church for years, but are not saved. My own father was one. He went because Mom wanted him to. It's what decent men did in Ohio in the 50's/60's. Then around age 65, he heard the gospel in a way that touched his heart and mind for the very first time, and his life radically changed as he gave up his disbelief. Going to church didn't save him; it just led him in the right direction. God saved him. And his 3 believing kids and 1 wife were thrilled!
(Dad used to introduce Mom as his "first wife." It startled others, made her want to kick him, and made us laugh. She was his "first wife" until they both passed away in their mid-80's.)
I've also known people who go to church while having affairs, cheating on taxes, believing in horoscopes and other non-Christian things. But it doesn't mean they can't learn in the midst of their sin who Christ is. In fact, I can't name one non-sinning Christian I know. We're all jerks half the time, saved or not. Thank God for His grace. Going to a church doesn't save anyone; believing Christ does.
I've also known people who never attend a church for one reason or another, yet they are saved. Yes, I would like to see them be aligned with a body of other believers, but for whatever reason, they're not. But they are aligned with Christ. As I've already said, it's between the person and Christ, no one else. Not a mom, a dad, a friend, a pastor, a spouse... no one.
I miss and still respect our former pastor; he's a good man. But I don't miss the church only because God changed where He wants us to be for now. So where are you? Are you where you should be? It only takes two...God and you.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Where's the Truth?
People shouldn't go to church.
Do I now have the attention of all you Believers, undecideds and atheists? After all, I'm a Christian, so why would I say that? Well, I say it because it's true. Church is a place to learn about Christ and to worship Him. Unfortunately, many (way too many) churches don't offer that opportunity anymore. Many people now go merely to feel good about themselves and see their friends.
Ten years ago I wouldn't have said that, but today I have no problem doing so while adamantly wishing it weren't true. After all, we recently left a church we'd attended and loved for many years. From the very beginning Steve and I were identified as Believers and leaders and we acted accordingly.
But some leaders, or more accurately volunteers, (wait, let's be honest - those who couldn't say "No" to a request for help) get caught up and changed by "being in charge" and do things more for their own glory than for God's. It was ugly to see. We wanted no part of it, giving up more and more duties as we watched the "I'm so holy" war unfold, until we barely went to Sunday morning services anymore. And for reasons to be explained another day, they didn't like me.
We left that church but we stayed with God. We roamed for some time, then found another pastor who speaks the truth. Sometimes we go listen to him speak, and sometimes we stay home to listen to Tim Keller. It's been a paradigm shift for us. Going to church doesn't save anybody. Knowing and trusting God does. We're learning as much now as ever, maybe more, and that learning matters. It completes us. Ignoring or denying Him hurts us, like it or not. True faith is between God and us, no one else.
Most people interpret God's word in human terms. We're human, but God's word is definitely NOT human, it's just sometimes for and about humans. So, go to church if you want, but if you want to know God, go to the source. Trust me: God wants you to feel good about yourself, and He's the only One who will take you there.
Do I now have the attention of all you Believers, undecideds and atheists? After all, I'm a Christian, so why would I say that? Well, I say it because it's true. Church is a place to learn about Christ and to worship Him. Unfortunately, many (way too many) churches don't offer that opportunity anymore. Many people now go merely to feel good about themselves and see their friends.
Ten years ago I wouldn't have said that, but today I have no problem doing so while adamantly wishing it weren't true. After all, we recently left a church we'd attended and loved for many years. From the very beginning Steve and I were identified as Believers and leaders and we acted accordingly.
But some leaders, or more accurately volunteers, (wait, let's be honest - those who couldn't say "No" to a request for help) get caught up and changed by "being in charge" and do things more for their own glory than for God's. It was ugly to see. We wanted no part of it, giving up more and more duties as we watched the "I'm so holy" war unfold, until we barely went to Sunday morning services anymore. And for reasons to be explained another day, they didn't like me.
We left that church but we stayed with God. We roamed for some time, then found another pastor who speaks the truth. Sometimes we go listen to him speak, and sometimes we stay home to listen to Tim Keller. It's been a paradigm shift for us. Going to church doesn't save anybody. Knowing and trusting God does. We're learning as much now as ever, maybe more, and that learning matters. It completes us. Ignoring or denying Him hurts us, like it or not. True faith is between God and us, no one else.
Most people interpret God's word in human terms. We're human, but God's word is definitely NOT human, it's just sometimes for and about humans. So, go to church if you want, but if you want to know God, go to the source. Trust me: God wants you to feel good about yourself, and He's the only One who will take you there.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Miles Don't Matter
Our daughter moved away in late 1999, but it feels like she did it yesterday. Well actually, she did move out yesterday. That's when she packed up her bags, got into her car, waved to us and drove away.
Morgan came home in early June for a one week visit. She learned I'm having health issues and decided to stay longer. She also found out that several relatives whom she rarely sees would soon be visiting, so she had even more reason to stay. Armed with her computer, cell phone and books, she stayed. We got to see her beautiful face for four entire weeks.
I can't say we did much during her visit that is memorable. It was just being together that meant the most. I'd peek into her old room before she awoke, then sit down and caress her... my grown woman/child who still loves the touch of my fingers on her back and legs. Seeing her sit in our family room as she'd read, laugh or watch TV... watching her work her delicious magic on a crumb covered counter as she transformed it into a gourmet kitchen... listening to her entertain guests with her wit, humor and stories of her life. I loved each moment.
The other relatives eventually left. The house grew emptier. Then Morgan filled her car and drove away. Sam went to his room. Steve and I sat in the family room, resting. It was so quiet. Sobs rose to the surface, but never came out. The phone rang at 9:30pm. She and Lady Bird had driven 8 hours and were an hour from home, calling before our bedtime to tell us they were fine. We said to call when they arrived; we'd wait. The phone rang again an hour later and our little girl was safe in her own home. Our weary 29 year old doctoral candidate whose wit and humor never fail to entertain, our gentle child who adores and cares for the brother who never lets his parents touch him but will always hold his sister's hand and let her hug him... that's the woman whom I love.
My days with her grow fewer, but she is with me always. She is never far from my mind, and I think she knows that. She is so much more than I ever dreamed I'd see in a child of mine. The only time we really talked was the day we ran errands and ate lunch in Annapolis. It was nice, quiet, fun. We didn't say much, but when you're with someone you've known her entire life, words mean less than just being together. Morgan is with me always, even when she is over 400 miles away.
Morgan came home in early June for a one week visit. She learned I'm having health issues and decided to stay longer. She also found out that several relatives whom she rarely sees would soon be visiting, so she had even more reason to stay. Armed with her computer, cell phone and books, she stayed. We got to see her beautiful face for four entire weeks.
I can't say we did much during her visit that is memorable. It was just being together that meant the most. I'd peek into her old room before she awoke, then sit down and caress her... my grown woman/child who still loves the touch of my fingers on her back and legs. Seeing her sit in our family room as she'd read, laugh or watch TV... watching her work her delicious magic on a crumb covered counter as she transformed it into a gourmet kitchen... listening to her entertain guests with her wit, humor and stories of her life. I loved each moment.
The other relatives eventually left. The house grew emptier. Then Morgan filled her car and drove away. Sam went to his room. Steve and I sat in the family room, resting. It was so quiet. Sobs rose to the surface, but never came out. The phone rang at 9:30pm. She and Lady Bird had driven 8 hours and were an hour from home, calling before our bedtime to tell us they were fine. We said to call when they arrived; we'd wait. The phone rang again an hour later and our little girl was safe in her own home. Our weary 29 year old doctoral candidate whose wit and humor never fail to entertain, our gentle child who adores and cares for the brother who never lets his parents touch him but will always hold his sister's hand and let her hug him... that's the woman whom I love.
My days with her grow fewer, but she is with me always. She is never far from my mind, and I think she knows that. She is so much more than I ever dreamed I'd see in a child of mine. The only time we really talked was the day we ran errands and ate lunch in Annapolis. It was nice, quiet, fun. We didn't say much, but when you're with someone you've known her entire life, words mean less than just being together. Morgan is with me always, even when she is over 400 miles away.
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Let Freedom Ring
The Fourth of July! Let Freedom ring!
Wait, I'm free? I can't move out of MD since our insurance is only good in this state. And I can't change insurance companies, since...right...who would take me now? And I'm not free to make plans for my seventies since, well, I probably won't have any seventies. And I'm not free to travel since I have to be at hospital every 21 days exchanging blood for drugs, and see doctors more often than that. And I'm not free to take our beloved long walks since, well, I can't walk that far right now due to weakness and exhaustion.
So am I free? Well, to be honest, yes I am. I'm free to sleep luxuriously late any time I so desire. Like everyday. But I get up most days by 6:30 anyway, because I want to. I'm free to read voraciously and am currently reading three books, according to a mood for history, drama or humor. I'm free to not cook dinner on my weariest days since Steve is always ready and able to do it himself.
I'm free to write and write and write since even if I'm weary, I can sit comfortably at the computer creating, and my days have few tedious chores that call out my name. And, with one book due out soon, and a second nearing completion, it's a pleasant way to live my days while doing something others can enjoy.
I'm free to wander in my lovely garden, pulling weeds if I feel up to it, laying down mulch if Sam helps me, or just sitting on my garden bench, enjoying the quiet beauty. For Pete's sake (and I've learned since my last inquiry @ "Pete" that it refers to St. Peter, amazingly), I have a marvelous life right now. So... yea, I'm free.
Oh, and it looks like we're going to Hawaii in the fall. Between infusions... you know, less than 21 days. If that's not freedom, then I don't know what is.
Wait, I'm free? I can't move out of MD since our insurance is only good in this state. And I can't change insurance companies, since...right...who would take me now? And I'm not free to make plans for my seventies since, well, I probably won't have any seventies. And I'm not free to travel since I have to be at hospital every 21 days exchanging blood for drugs, and see doctors more often than that. And I'm not free to take our beloved long walks since, well, I can't walk that far right now due to weakness and exhaustion.
So am I free? Well, to be honest, yes I am. I'm free to sleep luxuriously late any time I so desire. Like everyday. But I get up most days by 6:30 anyway, because I want to. I'm free to read voraciously and am currently reading three books, according to a mood for history, drama or humor. I'm free to not cook dinner on my weariest days since Steve is always ready and able to do it himself.
I'm free to write and write and write since even if I'm weary, I can sit comfortably at the computer creating, and my days have few tedious chores that call out my name. And, with one book due out soon, and a second nearing completion, it's a pleasant way to live my days while doing something others can enjoy.
I'm free to wander in my lovely garden, pulling weeds if I feel up to it, laying down mulch if Sam helps me, or just sitting on my garden bench, enjoying the quiet beauty. For Pete's sake (and I've learned since my last inquiry @ "Pete" that it refers to St. Peter, amazingly), I have a marvelous life right now. So... yea, I'm free.
Oh, and it looks like we're going to Hawaii in the fall. Between infusions... you know, less than 21 days. If that's not freedom, then I don't know what is.
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