A Duck's Life

Aargh! Thank You God for all this rain, but for Pete's sake, please stop it! We now have beach front (swamp front?) property in the back yard, and little space left to walk out front where we won't sink in up to our knees. Clay soil is great for massive puddles and lousy gardens. Oh, and Mallards.

More importantly, I"m having to use my 'special lamp' quite a lot lately, the one that recreates sunlight, not just light. It's pretty cool and weird, sort of like my dramatic need for sunlight. As a kid I used to put my face under a table lamp, hoping no one would see me. Now I know it's actually normal (though not common) to have SAD, (Seasonal Affective Disorder).

The good thing is that I'm working on redecorating some rooms, so if I'm being creative, the lamp must be working. Yes, decorating can seem shallow and frivolous, but it's not. If your yard is a mess with leaves and fallen branches, you clean it and make it better. If your bathroom is full of dirty clothes and wet towels, you do the same. Likewise with rooms that have ratty furniture and stained walls - signs of life, but no beauty. So fix them. Make them enjoyable, comfortable and worth living in.

By the way, I just looked out at the small (well, 8' x 4') "pond" that has grown out back, and you know what? With a little work, it could be permanent! As in, if I build up around the rim, I could make that clay bottomed recess between the trees a permanent area for those ducks, and some lovely water plants too. Why not? This part of MD is referred to as "The Wetlands" for a reason.

Okay, now I have to research water gardening. I can read up on it while in chemo tomorrow. The usual 48 hours of frenzied activity that follow the drugs will be spent learning how to do just that. I'll let you know if I learn anything of value.

By the way, I'll assume most ducks are content. Maybe it's time for me to be glad for the rain and the wet and the possibilities for beauty and new life my yard is offering.

Just Live Today

I went on one date with a guy named Steve, and in spite of that, it's lasted nearly 37 years. I'm a terrible housekeeper, but in spite of that, while on chemo, I do a surprisingly good job of making this place look great. I'm not good at math, but in spite of that, I've done our taxes for over 30 years. I went bald from chemo in late 2000, but in spite of that, less than three years later my hair was two feet long, (though now it's barely nine inches long without my even cutting it.) Not much makes sense in my life. You can see why this blog is called Mylifeinspiteofme. It all happens whether or not I plan or hope for it.

Should I plan to do my taxes today since they're due soon, or should I bake, in hopes that the taxes will be more likely to miraculously get done in spite of me? Remember, my life is NOT what I planned.

My Bible study mates sometimes find it hard to follow what I'm saying, since I seem to live on another plane anymore. Or maybe that's another planet. How can I spend time planning my future when my today isn't even a given? Although there are moments of frustration, I can't tell you how wonderful it is to simply live in today, to not allow future todays to hinder what I do this day.

Now don't get all grown up on me; I'm not saying to ignore the consequences of our actions, or to live selfishly and carelessly. I'm saying, keep your mind focused on where you ARE, and less time on where you're going. I'm finally starting to grasp what Jesus means by His name, "I AM." With Him, it's always today; time doesn't change Him. Today I'm living in the moment. You're welcome to join me.

Minus One

I only slept four hours last night due to the chemo (9-1am), got up to read and be pissed off, and of course, now feel more energetic than normal. Ha. It's exactly what I expected, but it won't last. My head is just too full of words. In the meantime, I'm doing laundry and assorted other chores I hate. That should bore me back to the sleep I need.

Or not. I'm remembering ten years ago, when my first night on the same drugs, minus one, was pure hell. Steve was on the phone @ 2:00am with my oncologist, pleading for help to keep me alive as I regurgitated most of the mandatory drugs into the toilet (or the floor or the bed), with a body torn apart by surgery, held together with stitches, and excruciating pain that left me unable to walk alone. I won't even use words ugly enough to describe it. Yet I lived.

The minus one is the difference. Turns out that what is mandatory for most, is not mandatory for me. Thank you God.

Now here's the good stuff. I'm writing my blog, my book, letters to friends, emails, and other notes. I love to write. I'm planning a nice meal for my guys tonight (if I'm still awake). I'm not going bald this time. Fortunate, since I don't have much left from previous treatments, but I still somehow look "normal" and it's sort of long and way curly. (Huh? White hair curls?) My daughter loves us and we talk a lot, even at nine hours away. My autistic son is doing things we'd never thought possible with more new things on the horizon.

I could go on, but no need. Yes, I crave prayers of those who pray and good thoughts of those who don't. But I want you to know that I am happy and content. And freakin' tired.

Unexpected

Okay, this is short, since I already posted today. Just wanted you to know that two (2, dos, deux, zwei) of my nurses at the Infusion Center called today, so see if there was anything they could do to help me when I restart chemo in five days. This is not required of them. They're simply great women who care.

Okay, now against my expectations, I'm actually looking forward to going back.

Living Outside of Me

I'm working on our taxes, with brain damage. Maybe that will make it easier this time around. Either that, or we're in big financial trouble! Also, for the first time ever, I'm going to use Turbo Tax. I'll admit that so far, I'm quite pleased with how easy it's been. The one step that stumps me every single year is causing the same confusion and stress this time around. Therefore, in the end, that makes me feel normal.

I'm incredibly tired, due to the tumor growing in my liver. Have I mentioned that I've hated liver all my life? I used to get in trouble with Mom & Dad when I refused to eat it. I know, this is different, but the word just sickens me. Ugh. However, I do prefer to have a liver; life without one is not... well, it's just not. And I return to chemo in about 5 days. More on that later.

Although this feels so far like the longest winter on record, I know it's not. It's the same every year, last I looked at a calendar. It's surely my self-imposed isolation that makes me feel so drab, so alone. Yesterday I broke out and met a former customer for lunch. It was so nice to listen to another woman talk, to hear about her life. Yeah, I've spent way too much time focused on me. For some reason, it always takes me a long time to get that; to realize that the less time I spend on me, and the more time I spend on others, the better my life is.

So...write to me. Tell me about you. Help me to live Mylifeinspiteofme.

Dead or Alive?

So far, all I know is I'm keeping all 3 new sweaters - lightweight, medium, & heavy - because there is a different use for each. And since I bought them, not a day has gone by without my wearing one, so I'm thankful to have them. On to other thoughts, for now.

I'm in the worst physical shape I've been since 2000. I'll share details when it's time. Suffice it to say that chemo is soon to be a renewed routine for me. And hopefully, sleep will become less of a routine. Yes, I sleep too often, due to cancer destroying my good parts. That said, I still feel pretty good.

I have another young relative in the beginning stages of cancer, also in chemo. How do I encourage her? What's so great about it? Aside from the "it saves your life" part, I mean. Well, I do know that it turns the mind from "me" to "You." As in, "this is hurting me" seems less important than, "what do You want me to do now?"

This might not be the place to list all the good things that came into our lives from my having cancer. Or maybe it is, but I'm not doing that. It's just important to say that cancer is only as bad as we allow it to be. Physical death is not the worst thing that can happen to us. Hey, that's a given for everyone. But dying in one's heart is the worst thing. Not knowing what it's all about is more life ending than death itself. And my niece knows what it's all about. No matter what, she'll be fine.

Steve and I look at one another and laugh, and not just because we're funny looking, or even funny. We laugh because the journey we've lived together is so amazing. After only one date nearly 37 years ago, whodathunk it would last this long? How could we have known that cancer, such a horrid killer, would have drawn us closer together and saved not only my life, but probably our marriage? God is pretty clever, even when He lets us suffer in ways that make us almost hate Him. Forgiving, learning from the pain, moving on...that's what matters.

And in the end, I'll be content, whether I'm dead, or alive.

I'm Too Full

Steve gave me $500.00 for Christmas and told me to buy myself some new clothes, since I tend to wear the same old thing every day and sometimes look pathetic. It's all "our" money, but hearing him say that gave me a blessing to "blow" some on myself. He knows it's been a tough year for me, so it was a kind gesture to give me some pleasure.

That was 57 days ago, and I still have most of it left. Part of the problem is that after the holidays, most items are on sale. I did find three fabulous sweaters for $55.00. For all three. New. (Reg. $185.00) I also found some great shirts and pants (also threw in a couple lovely bowls - just my size!) but I had to stop. I've never had so many new clothes at one time. I feel like a glutton. So, what do I do with the remaining $300.00? And why is everything on sale!? Isn't the economy hurting?

How many people in the world have too much of anything? Outside the USA, I mean. I'm currently collecting piles of things around the house that we don't use, don't need and don't want. We have way too much stuff. Don't you? Then I'll have a yard sale, and I darn well better not spend any profits on more things we don't need. Maybe I should give it all away. Or sell it and give away the profits.

I have food in the pantry that outlives its expiration date. I have clothes I've not worn in years, books I've never read, furniture I bump into, and pretty trinkets that take up space. Why? And why do I have 7 wooden spoons? I only have two hands.

I don't want to give away my three new heavy sweaters; I love them and they keep me warm. But I don't need them. It's not like I was freezing before. Why do I have to have these thoughts? Now I feel like a jerk. Now I have to give this some serious think time. I'll let you know what I come up with.