I Can't See the Wind, So It Must Not Exist

For the past week, the view out the dining room window has been gorgeous. I look out to see a red, gold, orange and yellow leafed tree, bordered by the still green leaves of everything else. Fabulous. Stunningly bright and beautiful. Today it's half bare. The wind blows and life goes on, cycle after cycle.

Have you ever seen the wind? No of course not, we only see the effects of it. Today a few leaves are moving slightly, but once in awhile they almost jiggle with excitement as little gusts flutter around. Some days entire branches sway back and forth. Sometime soon the leaves on the ground with fly up into the air in a swirling dance, landing somewhere as yet unknown. All that visible, physical activity, but we can't see the wind itself, just what it does.

Have you watched the leaves turn colors? No, not, "Wow, look outside. The trees have all turned red or brown." I mean have you ever looked at a green leaf without turning away until it is orange? or yellow? ...or gone? Yes, we notice the gradual changes, but none of us have seen the change actually happening. Hey, I've probably seen my own face in a mirror 99.9% of my days. No, I never saw it grow old, but it is. Things happen that we cannot see.

Can you see the love someone has for you? The love you have for someone else? No, you can't. Oh, you see the effects of that love, but not the love itself. A kiss, a hug, a gift...all due to love, but they are not the love. Love is very real in your life, but you cannot literally see it for itself - it's not meant to be seen, or even understood I suppose. Just experienced.

So much of one's life is invisible to the eye, but is totally believed in, sensed or felt in our hearts. So why is it that people who experience and believe without doubt that these things exist are so loathe to believe that an invisible God can exist? What, we can't actually see Him, so He must not be real?

"Well, I see the leaves moving, so wind must exist." "The leaves changed colors, and it doesn't matter that I can't explain that scientifically." "I feel such joy and passion for this person so my love must be real." Okay, you choose to believe in some things you absolutely cannot see or understand, since it makes sense to do so.

Yet it makes no sense to believe in God, since you can't see Him, is that it? Tell me, how is that any different? You see unexplainable things happen, but rather than attribute them to an all-knowing God, you think, "That just happened. God is the fantasy of fools and dreamers."

Oh really?

Tips For A Full Life

1. Get born.
2. Listen enough to learn something.
3. Eat well and enjoy the gifts of the earth. (Except for lima beans, no way.)
4. Learn how to read so as to have access to truth (Bible), mystery (Sherlock Holmes) and unexpected faith (Annie Lamott).
5. Laugh, and make others laugh, especially when it hurts. It hurts less then.
6. Love for the sake of giving, not getting.
7. Help things grow: my kids, my garden, my patience, my knowledge, my love for Steve.
8. Live in today, not tomorrow. Just relax and live 24 hours at a time, then do it again, and again, till it ends.
9. Put others first, me last.
10. Go home.

Pissed Off

How's that for a nice title by a Christian writer?! But I am.

Why is it that some people (am I crazy in thinking it's usually men?) think they are above the rest of mankind? As in doctors. (Insert loud growling noise from grown woman.) I'm sure you've dealt with your share of arrogant professionals who treat you like dirt too. One of Steve's doctors/jerkoffs has called - yet again - to reschedule an appointment made in March of this year. That's seven freakin' months ahead of time, but somehow not good enough.

Now the guy who supposedly has devoted his life to practicing medicine has decided he has something better to do on a Friday afternoon than see his already scheduled patients. Like maybe go to some sporting event, or a little vacation to some island. Jerk. Yes, I'm angry. (Note to self: never write when angry or you'll look like a dope. I don't care.)

...

So, after that last sentence, I made some calls, found a new gastroenterologist, one who can see a new patient within 6 weeks, no 7 month wait. And I'm about to call and fire, okay cancel the aforementioned doctor. He canceled his appointments one too many times for us. No slander here, just the facts of how he runs his practice.

I know full well that this guy will never know, care or be harmed by our "firing" him. But his name is Michael Epstein of Annapolis, MD. Thought you'd like to know his name, in case you ever need a throat doctor. You'll know who not to call.

So Full

Did you ever think (or assume) that you'll never see someone again? Someone from your past who might have been important, but with life moving forward you simply know it won't ever happen? Then it does happen. How wonderful is that?!

The phone rang this afternoon while we were watching an old movie. Phone numbers show momentarily on our TV, so we usually don't answer unless we recognize it. I didn't know this one, but something made me answer anyway. "Hello, is this Linda Richardson?" "Yes." The voice was vaguely familiar but I couldn't quite place it. "Hi, this is Dr. Hardy-Cartwright." My heart skipped a beat.

On the phone was the doctor who diagnosed my cancer ten years ago, the woman who probably saved my life. My heart was in my throat. She had just left her church service and wanted to know if she could come by our house to say hello. In shock, I said yes.

She'd gotten my note about the book, and was so moved (had she even thought of me all these years?) that she wanted to see me. Twenty minutes later, there she was at my door, a huge, beautiful bouquet of flowers in her hands. Her eyes lit up as she said, "Oh, I DO remember you!" We sat and talked for awhile. It had been over five years since I last saw her (now seeing my oncologist instead monthly) yet I've never forgotten her kindness and wonderful care. Still beautiful, she hasn't aged at all. And now I realize that she is also a Believer. What a small world.

We talked about my treatments, subsequent surgeries, chemo, and Dr. Boice, with whom she still associates. And she understood it all. So, I'm boring you, but for me, it was a total treat. This woman saved my life. And now she's about to read 'the rest of the story.' I was simply her patient from long ago, but she cared enough to come see me, all these years later. Can you believe that?!

My life is so full. My health is so bad. But my life is so full.

Words

Have you ever studied and learned a foreign language? Have you ever heard the Biblical story of how the languages were originally divided? That sure would have been a day of confusion and frustration! You don't have to believe our "tongues" were divided that way (I do and I'm curious to hear how you think we all just stopped communicating) but the fact remains that people speak a lot of languages.

How many would you guess? 57? 175? 732? How about 6809? Yea, really. There aren't even that many nations, and do you know how many of those there are? Forget it, I'll tell you. There are 195. Go ahead - name 30. Ha! (There's legal squabbling over 3, but let's just say 195.) Seriously. No wonder we can't communicate with one another. And yes, the language # includes dialects, tribal differences, etc., which indeed do separate us.

Have you ever wondered why your spouse or your boss or your parents just don't get what you're trying to say? It almost makes more sense to doubt that anyone would ever understand anyone! And indeed, we can speak the same language, and still not have any idea what even a family member is talking about, right?

So, to my point. My son and I both speak English, but he speaks it from an autistic brain that has an IQ in the stratosphere. Yes, he uses words, phrases, ideas and perceptions that would never occur to me. Only recently (after 22 clueless years) have I realized that I'm the one who has to learn the new language.

And it's working. Yes, I still stand by clueless and dopey a lot of the time, Sam looking at me with disgust as I say, "Huh? I don't understand you." (Well, duh.) But more and more I AM getting it. I'm on alert all the time to interpret the words that I now know are not what they seem to mean. He's not talking to a toddler, and he doesn't fill his sentences with explanations of his meaning. He just speaks, albeit in his unusual way. And it's beginning to make sense to me as it never has.

I still blow it and he still gets mad at me for being a dope, but the communication is growing. And equally important, I remember that this whole thing works both ways. I have to be more careful in what I say to him also, never assuming he gets what is meant, and no longer assuming he is rude, or dismissive or angry when he is not. We just speak two different languages, that's all.

While that's probably true for most parents and sons, for the autistic, it takes on far greater meaning. I will never assume he is not bright enough, or experienced enough to "get it." He is. Though autism can be a disability, Asperger's can be a blessing, in that it can give the person a huge advantage of intelligence and perception that the rest of us can only dream of. Sam's ability to see things clearly and understand things I don't get has always amazed me. It also amazes me that he can be so clueless.

It's all part of the package, and it's why we have to communicate so differently. He lives in the world of autism, and sees the rest of us as maybe a bit odd or hard to understand. I live in the world of ?? normal? yet see Sam as maybe normal in his own way. Thank God I've learned that I'm not the standard for humanity, that Sam doesn't have to learn to think like I do. How much richer his life will be as he continues to see through the eyes God gave him, to think with the brain God gave him, to be the man that God made him.

Old Lady Up the Street

Do you remember the old lady up the street? She was either your Mom's age, or your aunt's. Wait, she might have been closer to your grandmother. You know, another generation, one who lived through wars and history you've read about in books. Even now, though you're grown yourself, she's someone of another time, another era. Past her prime, so to speak.

She had white hair, almost never wore shorts, worked in her lovely little garden. Probably had doilies on her coffee table. And Canada Pink Wintergreen Mints. You'd see her walking around or puttering in her yard, but the thought of inviting her over, or visiting her for anything other than fund raising (she was always ready to support the schools or your charity) or to ask, "Have you seen our dog?" never occurred to you. Nothing against her; you just wouldn't have anything to talk about.

You're busy working, raising your kids, doing tons of laundry, making meals, volunteering at school or church, reading bedtime stories, cleaning the house, going to meetings, playing sports with the guys, living life in America. The old lady up the street is so yesterday, not even on your radar. You do wave occasionally, but when she passes on, you'll probably just send a card, or maybe attend the funeral. She was nice, as far as you knew, but the loss won't be personal. She wasn't really in your life. You never really knew her.

Did you know she liked to laugh hard most every day? Her husband often shook his head and smiled in amazement at her silly ways and goofy antics, so much like her own Mom. She loved sarcasm and irony, and those who used it well. Though not a gutter mouth in any way, her sometimes risque words could set people aback, coming from her mouth. She also could swear a blue streak when provoked, though not often, but she usually managed to control it. Yet from that same heart and mouth came wonderful prayers and praise, fully believed.

She knew she talked too much, so sometimes she'd just write down her thoughts to keep them private, but not forgotten. She'd express her rage, her sorrows, her hopes, her regrets, but no one read them. But still, she laughed at it all.

And she grew old. And she grew braver. And she grew stronger. She decided that it was time to stop keeping it all inside, so she wrote a book. Maybe someone would read it.

Since her hair began to turn white at age 19, she never dyed it. Men clearly thought it was sexy on a young woman, so it stayed till she grew into it. A good judge of female anatomy, she decided her own legs were a C-, so she stuck to longer pants, only revealing the good parts. And at 60, she knew she still had amazingly good parts. Men were still trying to "pick her up" in her mid fifties. She knew how to grow things, gardening like the pro her father had taught her to be. And her own coffee table? She rarely even dusted it.

For now, she watches the kids in the neighborhood grow up, sometimes praying for what she suspects they'll need in life. She waves at and speaks to the neighbors when she sees them. She truly likes them, and has no regrets that she's not in their lives. They're so young; they have life to live. They'll be fine without her.

But she recalls the old ladies from her past, all those old "boring" women whom she ignored in her own youth. "They're old!" "They're boring!" "What could they teach me that matters?" What a sad loss. So much she could have learned.

She still likes those pink Canada mints, but hasn't had one in years. Maybe someone will set out a bowl at her funeral.

My Mickey Mantle

My almost fifteen year old potting bench is now sitting in my one day old greenhouse. Can you see me grinning from ear to ear? I TOLD you I was excited. Actually, three more window panels go in today, but it's ready to use.

Five small pots of tiny Red Lace Leaf Japanese Maple trees go in today. (I have to write that down to even remember the name.) No ordinary Maple trees here! Anyway, my specimen tree out front, from the yard of a now deceased neighbor from Steve's childhood, is the glory of my front yard. At close to 7' tall and quite lush, I must prune and shape it every Spring. It also rarely produces seeds, so this is a wonder to be made use of. I want my gardener friends to have one of these glorious trees also, and now that's possible. Oh, Dad, you would be so proud and happy to visit here right now to help me set this up. I sure could use your wisdom, but I'll be fine.

I feel like a five year old. I keep going to the window to look out and see that my playhouse, I mean, my greenhouse is still really there. Do you understand this? I'm like a man whose childhood dream was to get a baseball signed by Mickey Mantle, then sees it happen at age 60. Life might be happy and satisfying, but the surprise joys of youth are certainly not expected, or even hoped for at this age. This is an unexpected crocus in the winter of my life. Not the cold, dreary, fading winter. The crisp, bright, and glorious winter!

Okay, fine. I'll calm down. I'll have a glorious year with my greenhouse, maybe two or three. It's good to have little things to plan and dream of doing in it. My days can be richer with this outward focus. Maybe my children with their usual "I-don't-want-to-be-outside-there-are-BUGS-out-there" attitude will find some pleasure in it too. If not, they can watch me be a kid again.

Thank you Steve. It was not easy to construct, and yes, at 62, it was quite a tedious chore for you, but you did it for me. And it was your own idea. That means more than anything.