Your Choice

I've been asked by more than one friend if I'm afraid of dying. My initial reaction is nope. In fact, I'm kind of excited about it. What an adventure it will be! And none of you have done it yet, so I win. Well, that's according to human terms where whoever is first is the winner.

You don't think that makes me a winner, do you? You don't want to die, do you? Even if you are a Believer. I've had other Believers tell me that they're not there yet, not ready to die. Too many things to still do - kids to raise, houses to fix up, jobs to complete, books to read, sins to repent of, cake to eat. They haven't quite explained to me (or themselves) how any of those things is better than being in heaven, but I won't push it. I do get it. It's just that I'm past that viewpoint.

Perhaps the daily pain and inability to do much has taken me over the edge. I have a freakin' wheelchair here now, for Pete's sake. And I have to sit on a chair to take a dang shower. Talk about feeling old - geez. I simply can't stand up very long without support. But, if you don't hate skinny, I do look good in my knit shirt and sweat pants. I look all of 95 lbs., but I look fine. And Steve asked that I not cut my hair. It's been long for 36 out of our 37 years of marriage; he wants me to be me. So I pin it up and when I see pics, it does look just fine. Remember, there's still lots of dark brown in there.

So now I'm thinking about why Believers are so afraid to die. That's interesting. Are they not really Believers? Do they doubt God can handle all they handle themselves? Do they think their loved ones will not be cared for by our loving God? Do they think they would do a better job on some things than God can? Do they doubt deep inside that all they profess to believe is actually real? Is their faith merely a cover for "being a good person"? Are you afraid? Want to tell me why?

I hesitate to go here, but my friend Christa lost her Mom to a heartbreaking early death when she was just a little girl. Was Christa's life ruined? No. Did she suffer heartache and sorrow? Of course, but her life was not ruined. I too miss her Mom, but we have to believe that God was and is still watching over her Mom. We cannot explain all things, but we can assume that God does not cause us harm. He sees the harm we do, and comforts us, but he never causes harm. I do know that God loves my friend Christa as much as He always has. And she has never been out of his sight, not for one moment. And I love her too, so there.

I'll tell you that I am stunned at how many friends and relatives have told me that they wish they could go with me. Stunned. Are they living miserable lives? No. They just want to be in heaven, and know I'm on my way.

What's that? Oh, you don't believe in the afterlife, don't believe in the salvation of Christ. Well, there's not much more I'll say on that. I've said what needed to be said. You either listened and considered, or you listened and ignored. It's your choice. I am not angry at all with how you've reacted. I'm sad, yes, but I'll also never give up on your considering it a possibility, that I am right on all this. That's free will, and you have it just like I do.

So, am I afraid? Still nope. I don't think about it a lot, because it seems somehow unfaithful to Steve, Morgan and Sam, but they too know I'm looking forward in some way to it. They might be afraid of the pain to come, but they know I'm not afraid for me. I'm just enjoying each day as much as I can - from this dang seated position! - in the meantime. We go for some short rides, watch movies, play games, talk and laugh - all the usual Richardson stuff.

I've made my choice. What will yours be?

Life Matters

Today was a great day. Here's why: I can no longer eat solid food, just soft stuff. I cannot wear a bra anymore, and I can barely walk ten feet without help and support. I'm seeing old friends to say final goodbyes, and haven't been to church in over a month. Also, I cannot walk down to the river anymore. So what's so great about all that?

Come on people. You know me. For starters, I never have to face another lima bean in my life, hallelujah, and no solids is the perfect legit excuse to turn down meat, thank you very much. (I live with meat lovers.) And mashed potatoes, chicken broth, pudding and shakes are just my cup of tea. So far I'm loving my current diet. I'll let you know if that changes.

Next, women, you probably get it, but men...? have you ever had to hold yourself together with fitted elastic and metal? No? I didn't think so. A tumor is growing between my ribs in the breast area and it just plain hurts there, so goodbye bras. Fitted athletic camis that I'd not be caught dead in out in public (though many females wear them to jog in, gag me) are perfect for me now. Comfortable, soft and I have them already. Pull on a tee or sweater and I'm good to go. And I look the same.

I cannot walk far, but - and I know this one is silly - I get to use a wheelchair! Steve can push me down to the river and hopefully not into it. I've got to trust him on this one. Hospice is providing one for us. Yea!

Saying goodbye to old friends means (duh) we are seeing all our old friends. Need I say more?

Not going to church is a bit tougher, but I have been able to watch two live online sermons from Morgan's church. What a delight to see how she usually worships. And we've taken the opportunity to listen to some fabulous music with it that while not of the "Christian genre" is absolutely beautiful (and probably better). Godly, maybe?

So, for some people this life might suck, but as usual, for me, it's just fine. See, you work with what you have. My beautiful sister-in-law lost three of her fingers in childhood. Still, she plays the piano, cooks, drives, sews, talks with her hands like we all do.... you know, acts normal. If she can do that, I can do this. I've lost parts of my body, most of my strength, and all of my energy. I'm in pain and have no reprieve. But I can live each day as though it still matters, because it does.

Ambrosia

Never have I done two postings in one day, but never before have I had such limited time and such important news.

And this is of utmost importance. Vanilla Ensure with orange juice is my new ambrosia. Seriously. I am so sick of gagging down chocolate Ensure that I'd rather die today than have to consume it again, even if I am sorely in need of calories. So Steve tried something new, vanilla Ensure w/o.j., and it was like manna from heaven. It was like drinking an orange freeze. Bliss.

That's it. Just remember it for the day - a day far away from today - when you or someone you love has to drink Ensure to keep from wasting away. You will be a hero or heroine. Steve is. I can go on now.

Can You Understand?

Sorry, I left you with "My Life Sucks" for a bit too long. Rough week. The sun still isn't shining, but there is hope. Tomorrow is Easter - surely by then...?

I had some great guests this week. Some people we've known for years, some we've known only a short while, but each one is a special treat to me. I tell you, everyone should have the opportunity to go through this part of leaving earth, just to see all their old friends who come to say goodbye!

It's clear a lot of people don't know what to expect upon their arrival. A gray faced woman huddled in a large chair? A pale, weak body in a home Hospice bed? Nope. What they get is plain old me, looking pretty much like I always have. You know, disheveled and gorgeous! Ha! Ha! How about disheveled and ordinary? But the fact is, I do look pretty much as I always have. Just older, like everyone else.

I thought I'd take time today to talk about Resurrection Day, since it's celebrated tomorrow. But some of you don't care about that, and those who do will read about it on your own, then hear about and celebrate it tomorrow at your churches. I will say though, if it's a "nothing" day to you, the celebration of the day Jesus was raised from the dead, then you cannot possibly know who I am, so why are you even reading this?

That is not a judgment statement. It's simply a fact. You cannot know me if you don't know Who I love most in my life. You cannot possibly fathom how I live this cancer misery with hope and great expectations. You cannot imagine why I'd be willing (even longing) to go be with Someone other than Steve, Morgan and Sam, my three dear beloveds. You cannot come close to my heart unless you are willing to give your own to the One who loves you more than you love yourself, the One who loves you in spite of all the horrid things you do every single day of your rotten life. He just loves you. It's as simple as that.

My Life Sucks

Okay, it doesn't suck, but it's sure not that much fun right now. Wait, the sun is shining, the sky is blue, Morgan is in front of me, bits of green are popping out on the trees, the garden is planted thanks to family, Renee is here for two more days, I have a note by my bed that Sam wrote which is the only thing I'd grab if the house burned down, and my heating pad is helping my backache. Okay, life doesn't suck.

But I wouldn't go so far as to say it's a whole lot of fun, either. Now, what would be a whole lot of fun? ...........thinking............. Well, lying in my hammock would be fun, but I can do that after Steve sets it up in the back yard (and if it ever gets above 50° but apparently that's not happening this year). Yes, it's late April in MD, a southern state, and it's freakin' 50°! Whatever happened to global warming?

It would be fun to correspond with old friends from Ohio, but oh yeah, I'm doing that already. Watching old movies with Steve... on it. Praying for almost everyone I've ever met... on it. Playing on-line card games and puzzles? Not my cup of tea when I'd prefer to garden, but for someone confined to sitting quietly all day it's a great way to keep an active and usable brain, so I've grown to enjoy it. And I win!! Well, I've lost 82% of solitaire (really? solitaire!?) but let's not go there. I win everything else. Almost.

Everyone we know is coming by to see me, to say goodbye and basically check in on us. It sounds depressing, but I see it as an ongoing party. Sometimes we fix the food (and I use the term "we", meaning never me, loosely) and sometimes they bring it with them. We talk, laugh, look at old pictures, have a good time. They come over ready to cry, and leave wiping away tears of laughter. Funny how that happens. Ha ha, I win.

Oh, and I guess my life doesn't suck.

How I See It

When things are going well, smile, throw your head back in triumph, pump your fist into the air and yell, "Yeah man, life is great!"

When life sucks, stand tall anyway, close your eyes in submission, pump your clenched fist into the air and cry out, "I hate this, but I'll get through it!"

"When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider; God has made the one as well as the other." Ec.7:14:a

Aren't I godly? Sure...

I've been thinking lately about people I want to smack. Well, smack some truth into. I've thought that way too often in my life, and most people who were once in that category are now my friends. I got over myself. Still, there remain a few whom I need to "get over". It will come.

Take the woman next door who despises me. She'll figure out soon enough that my days are short, (a steady stream of floral deliveries, endless visitors, I'm invisibly not outside, Steve is home a lot...) but will she try to talk to me? Unlikely, but whether from hate or shame, I have no idea. Will she wait until I'm gone and offer sympathy to my family? I doubt they'd be thrilled with that "too little, too late" effort. Should I leave behind a note saying, "I don't hate you back and never did; I even prayed for you," so she'll know she was forgiven for her hatred of me? Maybe. Or would that make her even angrier? I have no idea. Only God knows, so perhaps He'll let me know.

There are others who were cruel to me whom I won't even name, but in my heart, I've moved way over toward forgiving their wounds against me. I mean, what's the point in holding on to pain? Most things and people who hurt me are history, long ago events that I can barely recall at this point. If they mean that little, why even go there? A small part of me would like to tell them it's okay, but knowing they are unlikely to even recall what they did or said to me, it seems pointless. God knows how I feel. It's over. I'm clean.

Frankly, my main concern is this: Would I have forgiven people if I was strong and healthy and cancer free? I sure hope so. Then again, this life of knowing I'll die is a good way to straighten out and fly right. I've said it before, this cancer probably saved my life. I promise to pray you get saved in easier ways!!

Whine time. My back is killing me. Wait, my cancer is killing me, but my back sure does hurt today. I'm tired. I'm not hungry, but I have to eat. The sky is CLOUDY again, and you know how that makes me feel. No one is here visiting, but I'm so weary, I couldn't visit anyway. Blah, blah, blah.

Oh, I have to write again to Christa and Kathy and Peggy and.... I have lots to do. Morgan is due again in a few days, and so is Renee and Don and Rodney and Zoe.... there are 5 (five!) bouquets of fresh flowers around the house, all sent from people who love us.

After writing this, I pretty much think I'm over it all. All those former "jerks" are now simply people I once knew ... human and flawed just like me. I know I'm forgiven by God; I hope I'm forgiven by anyone I hurt.

Wait, I just saw a peep of blue in the sky. "Yeah man, life is great!"

BROCCOLI

Broccoli is the best food God ever created.
Rich in nutrients, can't beat that.
Often, yes I'd eat it 100 times a year, if I could.
Crazy, as in my Dad would go crazy to know I eat this like candy now.
Crunchy when cold... yes, I'll eat it crunchy & cold in a salad too.
Oh my gosh, a good broccoli soup is to die for!
Let them eat cake... I want my broccoli.
Incredible that eating a green flower could bring me such pleasure.