Unexpected

Okay, this is short, since I already posted today. Just wanted you to know that two (2, dos, deux, zwei) of my nurses at the Infusion Center called today, so see if there was anything they could do to help me when I restart chemo in five days. This is not required of them. They're simply great women who care.

Okay, now against my expectations, I'm actually looking forward to going back.

Living Outside of Me

I'm working on our taxes, with brain damage. Maybe that will make it easier this time around. Either that, or we're in big financial trouble! Also, for the first time ever, I'm going to use Turbo Tax. I'll admit that so far, I'm quite pleased with how easy it's been. The one step that stumps me every single year is causing the same confusion and stress this time around. Therefore, in the end, that makes me feel normal.

I'm incredibly tired, due to the tumor growing in my liver. Have I mentioned that I've hated liver all my life? I used to get in trouble with Mom & Dad when I refused to eat it. I know, this is different, but the word just sickens me. Ugh. However, I do prefer to have a liver; life without one is not... well, it's just not. And I return to chemo in about 5 days. More on that later.

Although this feels so far like the longest winter on record, I know it's not. It's the same every year, last I looked at a calendar. It's surely my self-imposed isolation that makes me feel so drab, so alone. Yesterday I broke out and met a former customer for lunch. It was so nice to listen to another woman talk, to hear about her life. Yeah, I've spent way too much time focused on me. For some reason, it always takes me a long time to get that; to realize that the less time I spend on me, and the more time I spend on others, the better my life is.

So...write to me. Tell me about you. Help me to live Mylifeinspiteofme.

Dead or Alive?

So far, all I know is I'm keeping all 3 new sweaters - lightweight, medium, & heavy - because there is a different use for each. And since I bought them, not a day has gone by without my wearing one, so I'm thankful to have them. On to other thoughts, for now.

I'm in the worst physical shape I've been since 2000. I'll share details when it's time. Suffice it to say that chemo is soon to be a renewed routine for me. And hopefully, sleep will become less of a routine. Yes, I sleep too often, due to cancer destroying my good parts. That said, I still feel pretty good.

I have another young relative in the beginning stages of cancer, also in chemo. How do I encourage her? What's so great about it? Aside from the "it saves your life" part, I mean. Well, I do know that it turns the mind from "me" to "You." As in, "this is hurting me" seems less important than, "what do You want me to do now?"

This might not be the place to list all the good things that came into our lives from my having cancer. Or maybe it is, but I'm not doing that. It's just important to say that cancer is only as bad as we allow it to be. Physical death is not the worst thing that can happen to us. Hey, that's a given for everyone. But dying in one's heart is the worst thing. Not knowing what it's all about is more life ending than death itself. And my niece knows what it's all about. No matter what, she'll be fine.

Steve and I look at one another and laugh, and not just because we're funny looking, or even funny. We laugh because the journey we've lived together is so amazing. After only one date nearly 37 years ago, whodathunk it would last this long? How could we have known that cancer, such a horrid killer, would have drawn us closer together and saved not only my life, but probably our marriage? God is pretty clever, even when He lets us suffer in ways that make us almost hate Him. Forgiving, learning from the pain, moving on...that's what matters.

And in the end, I'll be content, whether I'm dead, or alive.

I'm Too Full

Steve gave me $500.00 for Christmas and told me to buy myself some new clothes, since I tend to wear the same old thing every day and sometimes look pathetic. It's all "our" money, but hearing him say that gave me a blessing to "blow" some on myself. He knows it's been a tough year for me, so it was a kind gesture to give me some pleasure.

That was 57 days ago, and I still have most of it left. Part of the problem is that after the holidays, most items are on sale. I did find three fabulous sweaters for $55.00. For all three. New. (Reg. $185.00) I also found some great shirts and pants (also threw in a couple lovely bowls - just my size!) but I had to stop. I've never had so many new clothes at one time. I feel like a glutton. So, what do I do with the remaining $300.00? And why is everything on sale!? Isn't the economy hurting?

How many people in the world have too much of anything? Outside the USA, I mean. I'm currently collecting piles of things around the house that we don't use, don't need and don't want. We have way too much stuff. Don't you? Then I'll have a yard sale, and I darn well better not spend any profits on more things we don't need. Maybe I should give it all away. Or sell it and give away the profits.

I have food in the pantry that outlives its expiration date. I have clothes I've not worn in years, books I've never read, furniture I bump into, and pretty trinkets that take up space. Why? And why do I have 7 wooden spoons? I only have two hands.

I don't want to give away my three new heavy sweaters; I love them and they keep me warm. But I don't need them. It's not like I was freezing before. Why do I have to have these thoughts? Now I feel like a jerk. Now I have to give this some serious think time. I'll let you know what I come up with.

Don't Wish It Away

Never be too proud of yourself. I was feeling pretty good about how much I helped remove "tons" of snow from our driveway and our 'out of town' neighbors' drive. (If you don't know me, I'm not that big.) Then I heard Steve comment on all the neighborhood men coming down to help us. "Yeah, they took one look at Linda digging, and they were shamed!"

Oh. Wait. Maybe I should be proud? At any rate, I was totaled, for about three days.

I love my guys, but we definitely need to be out and away from one another regularly. 3'+ of snow, ice and forced isolation has made us a bit testy. Still, Steve and I watched some fun movies, talked a lot, ate good food, and Sam even braved joining us a bit. Laughter was here. He too is ready for life outside this house. He just now drove off (happily!) to college for the first time in ten days.

The only gloomy thing is that I still don't have clarity of mind. This drug/cancer "dooziness" has gotten old. Well, so have I, but at least I feel normal when I write. I'm just thinking it will improve once I get outside sans tons of clothing, and feel the sunshine again. In the meantime, I'm working up way too many projects - sewing, bread baking, reading, garden plans, etc. It's always good to look ahead.

33 more days. I'm not wishing any of them away; I don't have that luxury. I might only have 33 days left! But at least it will come soon. SPRING.

Winter Weary Land

Okay, I'm from the Northern coast of Ohio where snow in the 50's - 60's was often a minor inconvenience even at 3' since we used tire chains in the winter, schools rarely closed due to weather, and all my guy friends had pick-up trucks with plows on the front, hence plowing everyone's driveway and all the roads and making loads of money every winter. So... this is not Ohio, (MD is so not a Northern state!) I know no one with a plow on their truck, and I'm 59, not 15. I've had it.

That said, I'm tired of being the "sick one" who doesn't do her share of digging, so I just came in from hours and hours (okay, so maybe it was only 20 minutes, but still...) of digging, and didn't even make it to the street. But lifting 8" + of heavy wet snow is not exactly easy. And throwing it over (ha, as if) 4' mounds of already accumulated snow is out of my range. I had to carry it about 30 feet to find a place under my shoulder height.

I wonder if it might just be easier to be a wimp and let the guys be guys. But my guy is almost 62, and my other guy likes to sleep late, and admits he has less incentive or energy than his Dad, so I try to do my share. By now, I only have about 5 hours left to cover my share. Nope, not doing "my share" this year.

Hopefully in about 6 months this will be a gorgeous memory of beautiful snow in MD. And we'll all still be alive and not broken to bits.

Am I What I Eat?

Yes, although I try to be careful, I do admit to eating an occasional Cheeto or M. Is it M & M's if I only eat one, which of course, I never manage to do? And full disclosure...my favorite food of all is broccoli. Gosh, I love that treat! I even like it raw, or cooked, left over, soggy and cold. Thank God my Dad has passed on, for this knowledge would probably give him a heart attack, for all the grief I gave him by NOT eating it as a kid.

There's even a reward for my passion: broccoli is good for a person with cancer, very good! Maybe that's why I somehow found myself loving it, since it wasn't my game plan. I tend to eat it 4 or 5 times per week, if I have any in the fridge. M's? Not that often.

Looking back, there was nothing funny about cancer ten years ago. By now, I can usually find the humor, mostly out of a need to deal with my ongoing treatment. But today, it's not funny at all. My 36 year old niece just learned she has an aggressive, rare form of breast cancer, with only a 20% chance of survival. She is a missionary, married, has two young boys, and we adore her.

I expect to go back into chemo within the month, as my counts are way too high. So, Dana and I will be living similar lives, except there is nothing alike in our lives, other than our faith and her Mom/my sister. This morning, it's hard to laugh about anything.

But I shall. And so will Dana. And we'll move on, knowing each other better than we ever did before. And it's my hope that in ten years, Dana will have a lot to say about her former cancer journey. I hope she has broccoli on hand.